Thursday, February 17, 2011

("A political satire based on actual events as portrayed through the state controlled media")

Papa Clocks, Coco de Mer and a Beluga Nightmare
 2011 has started off with a strange bang. Or shall we say a slow tick-tock to this dreaded judgement day. Suddenly some papal clocks and ‘saple beni’ start coming out of the woodwork. The President grabs hold of the cherished prize possession of a nut to hand over to the Indians as he seeks more ‘command control’ courses in the land of Topaz. Capturing the Beluga with its wealthy toys turned out to be a nightmare…

Lizzy: A Papal salute Mr Commander in Chief! Apart from the early consignments of the ‘Papal Handshake’ clocks, blessed rosaries and the side mirror flags, it seems that all our election paraphernalia have been lost on the high seas. Our piracy minister has had some pretty tempestuous moments to handle lately.

Bawi:  Indeed Sir. Sometimes stress can attack you in the private parts of your own home. This is what you get when you act too much like a cuckoo. Total distress emanating from heavy doses of contaminated water can turn the brain lopsided and bring several paternity woes. 

JoMo: Good day Mr President. I apologise for lying low in this New Year as I have been recharging my batteries. I had to cope with some very vitriolic bouts of cat fights. 

President: Not to worry my man of all talents. You never cease to amaze me. Between the piracy conferences, order of new buses and securing our wetlands, you still manage to find time to dance around…

JoMo: The skill is there from my disco day! Sir you did good to visit India to seek military support. It was a bad idea to follow the Sheikh’s orders and chase the Beluga. We could not manage a heroic performance this time around and the pirates made off with some of our patrons’ toys.

Bawi: You see! When I was still at MOFA I could handle all these delicate issues with my command of the diplomatic jargon. It is called ‘diplomatic immunity’ JoMo. Now that you are signing off some important treaties to close the net on the corsairs, you seem to have arrived.

Lizzy: But careful that you do not pop too many of these balloons. Cats have sharp claws you know and we do not want you to end up with too many ‘mini-me’ around.

President: Well let’s hope that my new clock will be able to absolve all these mishaps and blunders that came our way in my last tenure. The people should swing back behind me despite letting them down at La Misere and gifting land away right?

Lizzy: Oh my sweet valentine! Careful that the blessed gifts do not turn into a curse!

Bawi: Sir we are exerting all the vital control on all fronts. Tourism is our bread and butter to take us out of the doldrums. Now that we have sold off quite a chunk, we need to cash in on all the revenue that has been illusive. I have a plan.

JoMo: Well, I should be credited as I am the one who opened the door with the $4.5 million ground breaking volatile investment that has ended up missing from my private quarters following the ransacking at the abode. Luckily it is our great Du Gas generator that is slowly churning out the deals today.

President: Yes and I anticipate that my 4x4 team will go all the way to help me to another victory. We need to finalise the Marie-Louise land deal with the ‘lapas’ to ensure that we fulfil our mission with Sheik Mohsen. The whole west cost is now reserved for our benefactors. From Cap Ternay to Port Launay; from Barbarons to Petite Anse; from Baie Lazare and Ros Kopra to Marie Louise en passant par Gran Police…This is the new Monaco in the making.

Bawi: And with it comes all the new technology. Coupled with our 4x4 ideology, we have the winning formula. All this wealth is supposed to trickle down for the benefit of our people. But it seems that it is being starved off somewhere at the top of the funnel.

JoMo: In life there has to be perseverance Bawi. Today one cannot do anymore undercover missions. It is time to ‘larg dilo’. I am off the shit water case and given the noble mission to the new Acting General, Ronny boy.

President: Your idea to bring a Coco de Mer to arouse some senses in India worked perfectly Bawi. Since we are all in the seduction mode, we need to use the carnival to portray our sexiness to the world. Let’s get into this party mode and dream up a float to represent our awesome teamwork.

Lizzy: Okay, we’ll get all of you to design something wild and colourful. How about a ‘pous-pous’ with a charming lady being drawn by our man of the people? This could be a modern version of what Mancham did back in the days…

Bawi: Well I will probably be part of a colourful creation that depicts the High Level Strategic Marketing of our diverse tourism proposition. I will be in my board shorts and riding the crest of a giant wave on my surf board with a cigar between the teeth and a Cuba Libre in my right hand.

JoMo: Yeah I like that! I will make my grand entrance riding on the back of Per Kobe with my iPad using the latest ‘shoot the pirate’ app to give a nod to both our environment and the battle to eliminate the scourge of piracy.

President: Well I would prefer to ride into the parading floats in my bullet proof BMW complete with its motorcade as a tribute to my legacy of a man who has been around for more than 34 years and still not wanting to fade away. After all, I am enjoying this show and do not want it to end.

Bawi: Perfect Bwana! And in true 4x4 tandem, Danny bro will pay tribute to his two greatest mentors. His float will be a miniature NYS cluster where he will dress up in revolutionary military garb and red beret next to the waxed figures of ‘Per Fondater’ and ‘Comrade Fidel’ puffing on their fat cigars.

Lizzy: OK, onto more serious matters. JenPa the Diplodocus par Excellence is here to report on the state of Africa & Middle East.

JenPa: Good day my fellow dignitaries on this centenary year. The winds of change are sweeping the continent and all incumbents are being discarded. Some like Bagbo are clinging on to dear life while people power has turned the Mubarak pharaoh into ashes. And now with Yemen and Bahrain catching this flu, it is getting closer to Abu Dhabi. There is cause for concern…

Bawi: Well we are containing the situation by rubbing shoulders with the biggest democracy in the world. Shame you did not manage to pick up your dishdasha when you transited in the UAE Bwana. You would have blended well with Singh, Karzai, Pachuri and co.

JenPa: I ended up wearing the robe and I made sure that all my movements were off camera. I am worried that we have called ourselves Parti Lepep as the people might do an Egypt on us.

President: Hey this is supposed to be the year of “Laviktwar pou Sesel”. It seems that we are going a little bit against the tide of Africa & Orient. We have to ensure that we do not get washed away…

JoMo: Sir we need to have a master plan for our water problems. Water cuts have become the norm and we need to reverse that trend! Ronny did a full assessment before leaving for New York and it was totally ignored. We should not have a repeat for the ‘delokaka’ fiasco.

Lizzy: Oh but he made a powerful speech in India and I am sure that this will resonate well in the districts where all households will be adorned by our cuckoo clock and the Sunday congregations will glorify our blessed rosaries. Long live our Man of the People. All the way to victory..

Hmmm… it seems that we are seeing ghosts of a people’s revolution in our midst. A victory in the face of adversity! What a challenging prospect. This business of disappearing millions and selling of our real estate might backfire. There are more questions than answers in the door to door…


Anonymous said...

This is very funny, but true, to the word.

I love SHAN, missed it for a long time.

Keep up the great work, there are some very very very talented writers our there.

Anonymous said...

This year 2011 election would no doubt be fraughted with several obstacles.Opposition forces have no choice but face them resolutely and expect to walk through the political mine fields that are already laid, and would be laid by the masters of deception in the top echelon of the ruling party.So for the sake of their fundamental values at stake,opposition forces must unite to convert the stigma of failure from liability into asset or problems into opportunities and deal a heavy blow to the effete regime.

It would be cowardly and dereliction of one's civic duty to the traitors claim victory in a fake election and allow the regime to ride roughshod on our freedom once again under the pretext of democratically elected government.

The opposition cannot rely on the ruling party to make the situation easier for them.Whatever they want to achieve or accomplish,they have to strive for it themselves.And the only way they can do it,is to make the opposition strong.Without a strong force the opposition cannot achieve anything for the people.If they want to be effective there is only one way and that is to build their forces.

A weak and divide opposition cannot make a dent in the Pp especially they know that the regime has make certain that it wins every general elections.With one hand the regime dangles the democracy carrot,with the other hand,it dangles the repression stick.At the moment the opposition seems in disarray and there is no clear strategy of how to relate or understand the carrot and stick on offer from the ruling party.Such a scenario will make betting on the opposition a dilemma.The opposition's bid for power will probably hit more bricks walls of its own making than anticipating.Consequently,the impetus for giving the ruling party more breathing time is coming from the none other than the oposition itself.

Opposition must not only unite and be cohesive,intelligent,sensible,wise and witty,but also sane as idealistic.They must not be intellectuals as once described by "M.Tse Tuang"-swollen in head,weak in legs,sharp in tongue but empty in belly,opposition thrive in large numbers and they should remember that when they thrive,they thrive because the atmosphere of liberty thrives.The opposition must use their intellect creatively,critically and constructively,and have the courage of their conviction.Using these to optimistic level,they must enlight the masses by objectively analysing the regime's drawmark with a stamp of clarity,certainty and above all charity in all their behavior.


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