Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

Battling on all fronts

Now that the ‘Per Fondater’ has removed the “Progressive Front” from the SPPF and handed him with a “Parti Lepep”, King James Michel finds himself alone, trying to battle on all fronts! Or is it more like wars – the war on drugs and Escobars, the war on security and pirates, the war on vices, and… hmm hmm.. that infamous war on corruption. This battle is rearing its ugly head again and we need to account for the missing US$ 2.5 Billion and counting. Who said this Presidency was boring?

JenPa: Good morning Sir! Independence Day is on the horizon and another opportunity for you to bask in the SBC limelight. Come to think of it, this is truly our day of unity. My parents used to tell me how proud they were when they saw Mancham and Tonton Albert joining hands on the podium to salute our newborn nation, and to watch the English Union Jack come down and replaced by our own “bleu, blanc et rouge pavilion”. But somehow Ton Albert always seemed to be looking down instead of up. Where were you on that momentous occasion Mr. President?

Mr. President: Oh, that’s a long story my boy. You see, we had everything hatched by then and we were going to take over no matter what. We had already established contacts with our Tanzanian friends and the training for the operation was already under way with Ogilvy, Desaubin and Lucas heading the rites of passage. This is how I learned to handle the symbol of our struggle, at the barrel of the AK-47. Our ‘liberation’ troupes were being assembled even back then, and “Per Fondater” had already purchased the furniture to ship out with those powerful rifles and lots of bullets hidden inside.

JenPa: You did take a lead role in the cause and today you are presiding over the very same people who seem to be confused about their history and identity. So what do you make of your ascendency as party leader Sir?

Mr. President: I am unfortunately part of the system that broke it all down. But we plan to fix it back JP, and return to the olden days. I have agreed to the IMF medicine and we need to administer it. Even though this is to the detriment of the people, they have to understand that we need to make sacrifices. Soon we will have Carrefour and ISPC opening its doors to the public, and everything will be sold in rupees. This will pacify the people a little till the next elections- just like we did when we gave them Supasave and Le Rocher supermarkets. Even Ramadoss joined in the frenzy with People’s supermarket. Perhaps he knew beforehand that the party was going to be called ‘Parti Lepep’.

JenPa: You never know Sir. He is so close to Ton Albert and the gang. And he is still promoting the ‘Rising Sun’ of the SPUP days! Incidentally, we have a new issue at hand that we need to address. Your new press secretary Srdjana seems at a loss at how to handle this one. The “Face-a-Face” show has rubbed our nose into this corruption dirt again and we need to come up with a counter offensive. But come to think of it, it will catch up with us and some people are even to start calling it “Farce-a-Farce”. We are advocating a government of transparency and good values such as sincerity and honesty. We therefore need to take the bull by the horns and tackle all the issues facing us. With the economy in tatters and all these social problems we have to contend with, we have a mountain to climb Sir.

Mr. President: Not to worry JP. All is under control. These debates are nicely edited and only half truths come out. Afif and Miss Jackie Belle are under my orders. Remember, I am still the Minister for Information, so don’t you forget that.

JenPa: We will have to invite more ambassadors and dignitaries to State House Sir to divert some attention until this corruption issue dies down. We have not invited Siva - our ambassador at large - as yet. We have to put the big VIP bikes to good use. Otherwise we will have to surrender them to Joel for his patrol squad he wants to set up to safeguard us from future pirate attacks. That Joel, he is something else on TV. Even speaks French as well as me!

Mr. President: I wanted Mancham as our ambassador at large JP. At least I can dialogue with him. But you remember the Marylou coup in the assembly on this issue. Jimmy could really give me some ideas on how to unite this people. Now I have to put up with that squeaky voice power-hungry Potter for tea every month! You have to get me out of this one of these days JP.

JenPa: I will Sir. I will find a way to get rid of her sooner rather than later.

Mr. President: Good boy JP as we have to focus on more important matters. People are now panicking about their safety. We cannot seem to be able to solve these security problems. The Police are lying as the Attorney General said recently on TV. Prison escapees are spreading terror in our little nation and they keep getting out of a rat hole. Why did we give up Long Island in the first place? We need to summon Dugasse on that one as I can smell a corrupt rat somewhere.

JenPa: Ok Sir. Well noted. Long Island is now being turned into a 5 star hotel project and you know very well how Tonton arranged that deal without a tender of course. The prison has now been relocated to Montagne Posee. We need to arrange a visit for you there so that we can have another PR coup – will put the Serbian dame on this one. Remember that the questions in the districts will become tougher in the months ahead.

Mr. President: But are you not happy with the release of our hostages? We finally got them back home with all the prayers and faith. What a great moment synonymous of our ‘Koste Seselwa’ spirit. I am sure that the ‘Jj Spirit’ is also with them.

JenPa: Indeed Sir, but the public is accusing you of lying because you told them you would bring back all 10 hostages. People are saying you left the other 3 behind because one of them is a staunch SNP supporter. But still, your hugs at the airport showed off your compassionate side. And you did let little Joel bask in his glory.

Mr. President: Yes, he was in his element with the interviews, and for a minute there, I could see his little beady eyes gleaming in the camera lens. I think he is quite ambitious that one and might want my job one of these days.

JenPa: Indeed Sir. However, there seems to be reports of a ransom being paid and the ship has now been torched. And Joel seems to like the numbers 4 and 5. Remember he lost the US$ 4.5 million before the last elections. And now the pirates said they actually received US$ 450,000. Quite a coincidence, don’t you think Sir?

Mr. President: Well JP, we cannot make any statements about ransom. We had Marylou opening her big trap and barking against such practice in the Assembly; but unfortunately this is the law of the pirates. Come to think of it, this reminds me of our old pirates like La Buse and Hodoul. But it seems we have a lot more pirates in Seychelles these days, if you know what I mean. And I am not talking about taxi-pirates.

JenPa: I certainly do Sir, and this is why people are firing away and asking you to wage a war on corruption. For example Sir, why is it that the guys who retire from government get a fat bonus like Changleng. The guy is now a flourishing businessman and yet the word on the street is that he is one of the main culprits of our bankruptcy. Think of it Sir. Will Glenny get a fat payout soon? What about Mukesh? Did he receive a big cheque too? You see, people associate all this with corruption Sir and you really have to step up those anti-corruption efforts.

Mr. President: JP, you of all people should know that this is known as a “golden handshake” in Wall Street jargon. They get ‘retired’ and are asked to shut their mouths forever. We have been doing this throughout our career in politics. This is why I said that politics is an art. We have perfected this art form my boy, ever since we did the coup in 1977. Look at the array of civil servants and ministers we have put by the wayside over the years… and show me one of them who is not well off, let alone one who has opened his mouth to reveal the truth?

JenPa: Indeed Sir. The right process of elimination. Now we need to bind ourselves into a solid team. The handover of the party was just ceremonial as we have no access to the funds of the party. We will have to rely on our Jj Spirit loans to entice more youngsters to join us. Soon we will have a jamboree camp for everyone to drill our message for the next elections.

Mr. President: Good strategy my boy. I am glad to have you as a faithful servant for the cause. We need to keep the lid on this country until after I retire. There are too many cans of worms opened and we are facing an infestation. I have no more answers for all these allegations JP, especially when it comes to corruption. Now they want us to open the vault to see our declaration of asset forms. I did not list the Desroches villa in mine did I JP?

JenPa: Gee Sir, I can’t even remember but I will give Leka a call to verify as she is the only one with the key to the Central Bank vaults. If you did, we can ask cousin Glenny to put it under his name because he has so many assets in Seychelles and Mauritius already. But there is fear of a list circulating (according to the spies at Pirates Arms), with names of people asking ‘Who owns what?’. Big question marks on land sale deals, islands for free or for 1 rupee, Cosproh hotel deals, prawn farm deals, mercenary ransom deals, arms sales deals, hospital deals, luxury flats deals and a whole long list of more than 100 questions on ‘deals’. This sounds like the movie ‘The Godfather’! I can foresee a barrage of questions for the next district meetings when the people will brandish the same lists instead of the ones prepared for them. The press secretary will have her work cut out on this one…

Mr. President: We need to find a new gimmick like the laptop deal we did with Space95 for the teachers. Only the Jj Spirit funding will not work. Let’s get one of our friendly companies to donate something back to our people. Perhaps we can ask the Eden Island guy or Mukesh’s Abhaye Valabjhi or Intelvision. If they cannot come to the rescue, then we will resort to Siva again.

JenPa: Sir I think you need to take a rest as these bags under your eyes are showing prominently. I think it’s the teleprompter effect, or maybe the surgery effect. I will have to report this to Srdjana…maybe she has a special masking makeup she can lend you…

The President takes a look at his reflection in one of the framed pictures of the past British Governors of Seychelles. “I do look like an old wreck” he moans to himself. He never realised that life as a president was so demanding… and boy oh boy, this corruption issue is really becoming a major problem.. At this rate, he might end up like the King of Pop one day… or is it the deflated King of PEP…?