Thursday, August 12, 2010

Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

("A political satire based on actual events as portrayed through the state controlled media")
La Misere on the front burner! Lanmans pwalon i so!
Oh this Ascon shit water saga has set off some diarrhoea within the system. The affront has now become the insult as the culprits slipped away and the President has ended up holding the baby and the bath water. The dehydration has caused at least one big head to roll as the dream team seeks ways to arrest this irritable bowel syndrome that’s permeating through the cabinet and threatening to take down the system.

BAWI: A bright sunshiny day to you my good Bwana. We have called in the doctor and the diagnosis of our performance in containing the dirty water fiasco has been abysmal.

Mr. President: Good morning Bawi. You seem to be having indigestion of these events my boy. We are not into the abyss just yet. We have several tactics we need to implement in order to get this winning game plan in action. My two main men are providing me with the necessary back up to come out of it clean.

BAWI: Sir but we are unfortunately now left with a diplomatic debacle as the culprits have slipped away. Ascon has shown us the finger, the truck drivers will soon strike and the poor souls of La Misere have been left in limbo. Your turbo guts tandem team providing the best verbal diarrhea in the land are here to update you on the latest spin.
 The comrades in arms JoMo & JenPa are escorted in by the chirpy, sexily clad Lizzy

JoMo: As-Salam Alaykum. Happy Ramadan to you all! We have reacted to the ongoing developments in our usual osmotic style. Not to worry patron. I decided no more of this sabotage at PUC. I have fired Delaboudiniere and we have freed a few millions from his fat contract so we can pay off the victims.

Mr. President: Another genius idea from my superman hero. Man between your Ghurkhas and your Perseverance attitude, we are in good hands. So use this money wisely and let’s compensate all the households and take over their utility bills for at least two years. A thousand per month should cover all the additional expenses incurred. I was expecting this Lapoudriere guy to go up in flames and blow up in your face JoMo.

BAWI: Wow! What a spin. I am getting dizzy like Lizzy. So what’s the latest deal? A hundred thousand was an affront and now twelve thousand is fair trade? Baffles me on how you guys can wiggle it. I am sure ‘Georgi & Bonti’ will approve of this. I am sure his Highness can donate a few hundred barrels to the cause.

JoMo: Sir but we have to look on the positive side. All roads lead to the Home Affairs portfolio. We have added Silhouette as another gem into our collection. This is 93% of the island as national park. I feel GOOD! The noise on that feat will be enough to dissipate all the filthy press of the La Misere disaster. I have muzzled them and the three day deadline is now effectively three months.

Mr. President: Indeed JoMo. Silhouette is a model. I had the honour to be part of another milestone in the history making of our country. We now have to see to it that Glenny allows all out Lepep to visit this island. No more landing fees. I just wish that we had such a high tech clinic at La Misere. We would have contained all those leaks with that x-ray machine and the decompression chamber.

BAWI: Precisely Bwana! I am glad that you visited the 200 odd inhabitants there. Perhaps the best solution is to ship out all the La Misere residents to Silhouette so that they can enjoy the pristine environment to help them in their convalescence. At least those rejuvenated souls will be fit come the next elections to go cast the red ballot.

Mr. President: Not a bad idea Bawi, but we need to keep the water clean there. Otherwise all our inhabitants will know the same fate as the ‘zwazo linet’ and end up on the endangered species list.

JoMo: Not to worry boss. Glenny will tow the line and start an offensive to ship out the long list of people who have been deprived of a little visit to Silhouette for more than thirty years. This is a historic moment of leadership.

Mr. President: I am glad that my commendable interview on the island has been well received. I have banished the idea of building a road across the island and little Francis will only be confined to Gran’Barb with his boutique hotel. It is now time for IDC to open up and let our people roam freely in their land.

BAWI: Sir I am glad that you are finally taking over the IDC colonies and getting a clearer picture. Shame that you are not as big a sea buff as ‘Per Fondater’! He has been enjoying all the spoils for many years. But don’t forget that you still have your villa on Desroches and you need to learn more about the Farquhar boutique hotel. Lots of poaching and disappearance there I’m told JoMo.

JoMo: Kai torti huh? Hey not so fast Bawi. Our environment is a closely guarded secret. IDC has been providing all the protection and we are slowly emerging out of the shadows. Glenny was entrusted with the mandate but he is now cooperating. We know that a lot of millions have been thrown his way. We will now set up a bird breeding colony on Silhouette so that everyone can have birds’ eggs when they are in season.

BAWI: Wow! This guy’s a genius Sir. Despite having a lot on his plate, he chews his way out of any indigestion. So sidekick, you’ve been quiet all along what’s cooking? I gather that ‘lanmans pwalon’ is not that hot at MOFA right?

JenPa: Well diplomacy is a dish best served cold Bawi. I know that you are not too comfy in my old chair but it takes a lot of induction. With a bit of downtime from the cocktails and power dinners, I have gone into a reflective, anal mode to try and assess all those personality traits in this telenovella that has played out in my district. I also got to drink this Ascon concoction and have come up with some vital clues.

Mr. President: I am sure that your findings are quite insightful. I’ll have this bourbon ‘sheiken, not stirred” please...

JenPa: Well you see Sir, with the help of our undercover agent Mata Hari Ferrari, we have run a scan on the perpetrator’s personality. He has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) coupled with a paranoid (delusional) disorder. To cut through the bull, he tends to be guarded and suspicious, with quite a constricted emotional life. Being so high and mighty, he often reacts with disdain, feigning modesty and humility. He seeks adulation and a wish to be feared (like you Sir) and can be notorious with an abundant narcissistic supply.

Mr. President: Hmm... Sounds very much like me indeed. I had to make a quite trip last weekend as he summoned me to discuss the shit water issue. My summoning of the Ascon boss fell on deaf ears.

JenPa: Indeed Sir. Individuals with NDP are ambitious and capable. They do not tolerate setbacks or criticism and often react with a lack of empathy. The person’s perceived fantastic grandiosity and hypomaniac mood is typically not commensurate with his real accomplishments. His sense of entitlement and constant need for attention adversely affects interpersonal relationships.

BAWI: Oh wow! How very much alike! Sir, you did tell me that you have a very close relationship with the good Sheik. But this is deeper. You seem more like bosom buddies!

JoMo: OK boys. I’m out of here! I am the man with the golden gun. I will leave the gold finger to those who seem to know where to put it. We need to stop the delusion caused by the irritable bowels. I have the Suez farce to orchestrate as a few millions in contractual obligations are due…

Mr. President: Well done boys! I am stunned by the stellar performances that you guys put up in these times of crises. My return to Praslin and escapade to Silhouette is further testimony that the man of the people is in regular touch with his adoring fans. Now that we have some more cash in the pipeline, I am proud to spearhead the construction of the new port on Eve Island. Another milestone in our maritime heritage!

BAWI: Somali pirates beware! I join Gus in reaffirming that we will have to distinguish between propaganda and the truth. For too long, politics has been such that when things go well, everyone wants to be involved. We all want the credit. But when faced with challenges, all responsibility rests with government.

We need all the propaganda machines and photo opportunities to keep prepping up this chaotic management style. The world is at our feet and yet we still have some ungrateful ‘fouter dezord’ who consider our monetary overtures an insult. Well, a thousand rupees a month will go a long way towards replenishing the stock of toilet paper. The clinic is still being shipped from Abu Dhabi. Indeed, it is too little too late…


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