Thursday, October 14, 2010

Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

("A political satire based on actual events as portrayed through the state controlled media")
Water woes but the party goes on!
This presidency is working at a frantic pace. D-Day is fast approaching and maximum points need to be scored to impress the electorate. The wells have run dry and most of the infrastructure crumbles. But it’s full speed ahead with the economic diplomacy as we need to get out of the hole fast and furious.

BAWI: A very good morning Sir. Liz & I have convened a mini-cabinet meeting this morning as we have a major crisis on hand. There is not enough water to go around (let alone all this shitwater from La Misere) and we have a serious case of dehydration on our hands.

Mr. President: Good morning Bawi man! We need to keep everyone on their toes. I’m lucky to live close to Val Riche where my pool benefits from cool mountain spring water. So what do we have here? My usual dream team. I note that Danny has extended his stay abroad with the supplementary budget. The opposition seems to be gathering momentum and need to be kept in check.

Lizzy: Oh well your image is still high in the opinion polls. The greens have delivered a petition which I have binned. Gappy is doing a fine job at stalling the Mouvement. Srdjana and her team are on the offensive for all the high profile media events to finish off this year in style.

BAWI: Okey dokey! Let’s get to work. We have a packed agenda on the education, business, housing, piracy and of course travel front Bwana. Let’s get through the mundane stuff… The dust has finally settled at STB and we are making progress on Perseverance where the Sheik’s Trojan is galloping to the finish.

The usual suspects convene to thrash out ideas and contemplate collective decision making…

Du Gas: Sir, I have been taking a back seat for the past few years as I was swimming in all the projects we have to complete. I am finally seeing the light at the end of the Perseverance tunnel with His Highness’ blessing. The ghost town is now coming alive and I hope the souls do not die of thirst. JoMo is now juggling too many eggs and PUC has crashed on his face.

JenPa: Sir these problems keep haunting us. How come our super electronics engineer cannot get the Ansopin bridge fixed? We need to make sure that we do not take the Princess down south. But I am confident that, given our shared history and all that Seychelles has to offer, the Princess will have a truly memorable trip.

Mr. President: Well, we’ll make sure that there is an abundant supply of bottled water at her every beck and call or do you think a bowser will be more appropriate? We still control SBC so we will make sure that all is shown in a positive light. I gather that several people including Ramka and the La Misere folks have requested an audience with her.

JoMo: Not to worry my good Sir. I can tackle those rowdy boys and shut them up. It seems that the arrest warrant on the base case has yielded nothing. But I can always revert to the remote controlled detonation fix that I proposed when I was sitting on the Parti Seselwa committee. This party will never lead Sir!

BAWI: Oh no JoMo. Contain yourself. We are a democracy now and we cannot revert to subversive tactics. We need to beat them with brains and we have plenty flying around in this mini cabinet. You have your navy base toy to play with and keep you out of such mischief.

Mr. President: OK boys. I note that we have added some gloss on our education with MySuzy working her magic. Teachers have now been elevated to their right status. We now have a spanking new school at Au Cap and soon another at Perseverance. This was my aspiration during my pre-coup d’état teaching days.

JenPa: Sir Air Seychelles has finally caught up with Emirates and you can now enjoy the comforts of the lie-flat seats. So no more excuses avoiding out national carrier. We can now actively promote all our Seychelles brands. I cannot wait to be up in the air again to frequent the star studded corridors of economic powerhouses and royalty.

JoMo: Indeed! Royalty seems to be falling from the skies. Swazi Queen Mother Indlovukazi was quite impressed with her long overdue visit – it was a fitting occasion to get Marie Pierre out of the closet. Rey Juan Carlos cannot wait to set foot on our shores and JenPa has now pulled Annie out of the bag. He is working on several other monarchs to adopt Seychelles as a happy home just like our good Sheik has done.

BAWI: Well JoMo leave the diplo stuff to the gifted. You need to focus back on home affairs – especially this water crisis! You have a member of our local sovereigns who has proposed to help you beef up our fight against piracy. Manman will put together her goose-stepping battalion of volunteers to help you operate the secret navy base. A new veteran force in the making!

Mr. President: Oh I just love those queen mothers! They have so much wisdom. Natalie will work on developing close ties with our Swazi brothers and sisters to ensure that we share our experience in the field of caring for our little treasures. In fact, she is off to Malaysia for the First Ladies summit. ‘A Child Today, A Leader Tomorrow’- she will have plenty to share from her first hand experiences.

Lizzy: Yeah, and I handle the more adult stuff!

BAWI: Bwana I had bro Danny on the line from Washington and he reported that the Seychelles has made another first as we have raised the hope of the small island states with our successful macro-economic reforms. The Seychelles Case is the model to emulate at the Small States forum. Talk about macro for the micro states! Another first for Seychelles under your wise leadership my good Sir!

JenPa: This is the year of the milestones my comrades. There is more to come over the next few months. Ambassador Mo and I are burning the midnight oil in the diplo quarters. Enough to make de Quincy turn in his tomb…

JoMo: I have never seen such achievement since my time in office. This year has been a bumper one for this administration. We have a new drive since the introduction of new ministerial blood in this cabinet. A new sense of purpose has engulfed us. Your wise empowerment agenda is paying dividends Sir.

Mr. President: Youth empowerment is the key JoMo. Youthful faces in key positions shows that we are forward thinking as a party and we are ready to gamble and take risks. In this day and age, old flab is out. Freshness is the key. Why do you think I am surrounded by this team of youthful pretenders?

BAWI: That’s because you are young at heart Bwana. You are of the same mould as ‘Per Fondater’ with a ‘leker pti baba’ – a heart for every Seychellois. You are the undisputed man of the people.

JenPa: You will go down in history as the best leader we have known Sir. You have carried on in Mancham’s footsteps after a brief hiatus as second fiddle in the one party era. At least you managed to consolidate our social gains before selling off to the rich and famous. Your vision is exemplary and you are our longest serving politician who has dedicated his entire life for the protection of ‘nou ban aki'.

BAWI: Indeed, we embarked on a whole ‘prosesus’ of metamorphosis. Look at us; we are a microcosm of this progress – from communism to capitalism or some might say from rags to riches. We have the 4x4 brothers that hail from Cuba shouldering you on either side together with Mrs. Potty taking care of business at Ile du Port. Our Speaker keeps everything in check with his eastern bloc upbringing.

JenPa: Yeah and lest we forget, we have also added a champion swimmer, star footballer and a black belt karateka to the mix. We all hail from different backgrounds but are united in the cause for social justice.

Mr. President: It seems that our team of young experts from the Equator Institute have hit the snooze button. They need a wakeup call as they promised to come up with solutions to our pressing problems at least every ten days. What is going on there? We did launch this new initiative with all the fanfare...

JoMo: OK. I’m out of here as there is a new consignment coming in from the desert that I need to attend to. Hasta la Vista comrades!

The Swazi Queen Mother came calling to absolve the sins on the ’81 mercenary attack while the Malo arms deal link to genocide is surfacing. The move to silence the dissenting voices of the new ‘Sesel Pou Seselwa’ bandwagon has paid off for now. It is best to ride into the sunset with a weak opposition…


Anonymous said...

Whats is IRONIC is that while Seychellois are cut off from the water supply one of SEYCHELLES ELITE plans to bottle and EXPORT Seychelles water from a good source on his Land!

Anonymous said...

Yes, how ironic that the man who gave James Michel a Rolls Royce (Robert Gaines Cooper) plans to bottle and export the La Misere water, hoepfully not the shit sheik water.Maybe the name on the water bottle will be 'Poor Shit Water' or 'La Misere Delo Kaka".

Throw those fucks out of State House. No water and Michel is going on about ile perseverans housing and what a dream it is for him. I bet you his water tank is full of Evian water every day, filled by French consultants from a golden bowser.

Meanwhile, Pierre Laporte has lost his marbles and tells us that starting April 1st 2011 (isn't taht April Fool's day?), we can't manage our own cheque book and will not be able to write a cheque larger than One Hundred Thousand Rupees. This is supposed to make the banking system more efficient. What a crock of shit! I bet you good old Pierre never thought that a person who needs to pay a company SCR 150,000 would then simply write 2 cheques and in fact, create more work for the commerical banks tellers who are already overworked.

People of Seychelles, wake up and vote those fools out of power. Emperors without any clothes I tell you, elt alone brains.

Anonymous said...

This is like the forex saga. The government comes up with rules and regulations. People come up with wheezes to circumvent these rules and regulations. The government comes up with more rules and regulations. More wheezes. The vicious circle goes on.

These control freaks never learn.

Anonymous said...

Central Bank Comedy, starring Pierre Laporte and Ahmed Afif.

You can write a cheque of any amount, as long as it is not more than One Hundred Thousand Rupees. What a great comedy for Seychelles.

Now Laporte and Afif, who gave you permission to limit the amount of money we have in our bank accounts?

Who gave you the right to tell us how much money we can dish out, be it in cheque or cash?

Who authorised you to control us, let alone our bank accounts?

What kind of idiots are you to think that you can control the business community?

Laporte, do you remember trying to control foreign exchange rates that hotel charges? You lost that argument recently.

So now,why are you castigating the business community when you should be telling the commercial banks instead to get their act together and modernize their banking system?

Go tell Saeed, Ahyu and that fat Mauritian guy at Barclays Bank and other bank managers (all foreigners) to wake up from their slumber and get their banks to offer services like other banks around the world.

Tell them to have cheques with MICR (Magnetic Ink Character Recognition) so that they can be read by machines. Now that would save time Laporte. Laporte, didn't your cheques in America have MICR on the bottom part? Magnetic Ink Character Recognition, or MICR, is a character recognition technology used primarily by the banking industry to facilitate the processing of cheques. The technology allows computers to read information (such as account numbers) off of printed documents. Unlike barcodes or similar technologies, however, MICR codes can be easily read by humans. Gee, how ingenious is that.

Also, while you are at it, why is it that most banks overseas allow their customers to do their own swift transfers from their accounts, while here we have to pay these huge commissions to the local banks? Are you in collusion with the bankers Laporte?

So, before you pick on us business people, pick on the real culprits at the commercial banks!

And I agree with one of the authors above who wrote about online payments. Why can't I pay PUC from my own computer when I get an invoice? Now go figure that out Laporte and Afif, and when you find the answer, come back and tell us how we should use own own money!

Bloody brainless in that glass building.

Anonymous said...

The Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan Diagnostic Centre. This is the name of the new building at Victoria hospital complex.

It was bound to happen. We have seen it elsewhere in parts of the third world getting humanitarian assistance from UAE, e.g. the HH Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan Hospital in Pakistan. The hospital etc carries the full name of Sheikh Khalifa which is quite a mouthful. Never mind all the glorious names from our history that we could have used.

The full name will be splashed across the building in the biggest letters that the Parti Lepep government can find at the insistence of UAE -- a constant reminder that Albert Rene and his 1977 revolution has failed miserably and we are now reduced to begging and competing for Khalifa's humanitarian assistance with the world's most destitute. These handouts are not done quietly but done in such a way that we are left with a permanent reminder that we are truly down on our luck.

Our humiliation as a country that relies on the Sheikh's humanitarian aid is complete. The days when Parti Lepep would proudly call a new hospital "The People's Hospital" or "L'hopital du Peuple" or "Francis Rachel Hospital" are gone, now that the country cannot afford to build a hospital after 33 years of economic failures.

But what should we call Khalifa's palaces at La Misere, considering that he got the land for 1 rupee and did not pay customs duties, in appreciation of the donation of the diagnostic centre. Perhaps they should be named after Castor, to remind us that after 34 years of independence the Parti Lepep still has us in bondage and in hock to wealthy arabs.

Can't wait to find out the full name of the new coastguard base which will be manned by UAE military.

The palaces at La Misere have scarred our landscape. Calling the new diagnostic centre The Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan Diagnostic Centre scars our dignity if Parti Lepep had not taken it away from us.

Anonymous said...

Oh!Dear! Oh Dear! Oh Dear!!!!
Before long, this Arab shite oops, Sheikh will want to change the Seychelles name to something else!
Whilst the Seychelles does indeed need some financial help, is it necessary that it is smeared in the peoples faces that it comes from Shite Kalifa? Oh, my fingers will get me into trouble, I do mean his HH Sheikh Kalifa.

Anonymous said...

Whilst I agree with the person going on about online banking and getting t to bechnology on par with the rest of the world. Let me clarify one small detail.
One cannot make an online swift payment for more that £5000 at a time. Large amounts of funds cannot be transfered online. The bank still has to be used to make large payments.
Also, whilst it is very convenient to pay your bills online, think about how many of the banking clearing staff you are putting on the streets without a job!
This is what has happened in the UK. The public has seen their local branches shut because it was now not financially worthy to have a branch to service the public.
There are indeed two sides to every coin.
Oh and don't forget that a lot of fraud can happen whilst using the online banking, unless you have a very good anti virus protection programme that is renewed periodically.

Anonymous said...

There is a Sheikh Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan Secondary and Technical School in Mombasa, Kenya. It looks like there is no quibble about it. If you accept his philanthropy, you have to name the building after him.

The thing is -- we could we could have built the thing ourselves if Sheikh Khalifa had been made to pay the full value for the land and all import duties. We would not have a daily reminder that we need to rely on foreign humanitarian aid and international philanthropy, like destitute villages in Kenya, Lebanon or Pakistan.

James Michel has been outsmarted once again. Have his brains gone missing ?

Anonymous said...

My dear friend who states that there is a limit of 5,000 UKPounds per transfer, this is total rubbish. One can transfer any amount agreed with your bank. Some banks sets limits such as US$ 10,000 and other banks might set a limit of US$ 1 million.

As for putting bank tellers out of work, does it not occur to you that those same tellers would be transferred to other departments such as Information Technology, Fraud Department and so on. Just a small story for you. When the light bulb was invented by Davy and then perfected by Edison, the candle makers went into an uproar about this invention. They were worried that they would lose their jobs and thinking just like you. Now just imagine how many jobs were created because of the simple light bulb. Same for cars, Carriage makers and horse breeders laughed at first and then the rest is history. Simply, you cannot stop technology and it has bettered the lives of people, not made it worse. Now did we have internet in Seychelles 20 years ago? Did we have a blog to voice our opinions? Just think how many jobs have been created because of the computer and new technologies that emerged from it. Never try to stop technology and stop the benefits to the people of Seychelles. If Rene and Michel had been visionaries as they always like to call themselves, we would have an undersea fibre optic cable linking us to the rest of the world. Sadly, we do not because they were too busy filling their pockets with money stolen from state coffers. Now if we could only get records of these bank transactions from Nouvobanq and Central Bank!

Anonymous said...

Who needs cables under the ocean when every thing is wireless and without cables?.

Zot O Bougla, aret bat latet ou kanmarad sil vou ple!!!.

Anonymous said...

Tiklo, it is quite obvious that you live in isolation and still believe that the Seychellois people are as dumb as you. We need undersea cable because our internet service is one of the slowest in the world you. You,just like Albert Rene your hero and Michel the illiterate, would prefer that we are not connected at all to the world sot hat we can remain as stupid as you. But my dear ignoramus, the days of bat latet is over. Le Pep Seselwa has seen the light, and it is not through the so-called visionaries ideas. It is through the effort of the private sector and smart Seychellois who have been trained overseas, rather than been under the pupillage of Albert, Michel and other communist conspirators. Today, we can thank people like Marc Hoareau, Patrick and Cyril Bonnelame, Arnold Chetty, and many of our young entrepreneurs who have brought technology to our shores. If we had waited for Albert and Michel to lead the way, we would still be sending smoke signals over the hills.

Oh, and I guess that Australia is not connected with undeasea fibre optic cables! An idiot will always remain an idiot. But you my friend, should win a Darwin Award for stupidity.

Patrick X said...

Sorry to say it, but Tikolor cannot help it as stupidity is heriditory I'm afraid. Tikolor, just a few years ago the PL government were promoting the connection to mainland Africa via a subsea cable. Why didn't you as JAM if he was stupid then and tell him about your wireless theorem? I'll tell you why, it's because even he wouldn't listen to a stupido like you. And you wonder why FAR asked you t o leave using the excuse that you were too radical? More like the fact that you would have brought too much embarassment to the party.

Selman wey sa bann kin al Lostrali kouyon i vin pli kouyon ankor laba. Maybe you should go 'bat latet' against Ayers Rock so that you may knock some sense into that thick skull of yours. Only you'd risk arrest for vandalism as your head surely is harder that so. Foutou!


Anonymous said...

To the person who thinks that you can transfer any amount online, do you bank in the UK?
Have you ever heard of the FSA?
Have you ever heard of the laws of banking and money laundering?
Why do you think that when one makes a transfer from ones bank, one needs to specify reason for funds transfer? and provide proof of reason?
Technology may be a good thing, but indeed a lot of fraud have happpened as well. I do not know of any bank in the UK where one can make transfer ANY amount of funds online. I work for a bank.
Oh and the teller and bank clearer who loses their job due to all this technology, does not always get transfered elsewhere in the bank. Have you thought about the older generation who have absolutely no concept of computers?
A lot of these pensioners are being hard done by. A balance is needed.
Oh and don't compare the banking business to the invention of the light bulb or the car or the washing machine or the dishwasher for that matter!
As I said, I know about transfering funds, I work for a bank and know how online banking operates.

Anonymous said...

To the banker who seems to be upset, this is not an argument about how much money one can transfer as we all know there is a need for secure banking transactions.

This is about Banking in Seychelles, not in UK. Today in Seychelles, the banking sector is slow, inefficient and all they do is rip off their customers with ridiculous charges. Technology is not used at all as in cases of MICR cheques which one blogger was referring to, and online payment or internet banking is pretty much non-existent. One can only see an account balance. Quite pathetic in this modern age of online banking.

I believe the blogger was telling Laporte that CBS should be putting pressure on the commercial banks to modernize their systems, and CBS should not imposing stupid rules like one cannot write a cheque over SCR 100K.

By the way, some banks in UK have online transaction limits of 5K while others have 10K. Some banks in Switzerland agree their limits with their customers, well over 1 million dollars, and have various levels of security that is not so common to the daily person.

As for your argument about older people not able to use technology, you obviously do not live in United States!

Patrick X said...

Speaking if USA and banking, over there they're still hot on using checks for some reason although pretty much every household has a PC and internet. Europe is much advanced there and everythign from households to businesses use online banking.

I do however fully understand that the CBS wants to have a certain control of transactions, this to avoid tax evasion and general fraud, but as usual they're shooting Robins with canonballs. The last time our authorities introduced methods to control money it failed, ref forex control, and it sent the BM booming. Control is a must, but our authorities seem to lack the ability to perform simple risk & consequence analysis of their actions.


Anonymous said...

Patrick X, you quote:

"I do however fully understand that the CBS wants to have a certain control of transactions, this to avoid tax evasion and general fraud, but as usual they're shooting Robins with canonballs."

1. We do not need CBS to exert control on the consumer. We need CBS to exert control on commercial banks.

2. Writing a cheque is surely not a way to evade taxes. It is a way to pay for services or goods, and even tax to the Government.

3. Drug dealers do not write cheques. Businesses and individuals do.

4. CBS' idea of setting a limit of SCR 100,000 is a joke.

5. Let us say you are a merchant and need to buy beers and soft drinks in bulk from Seychelles Breweries for your shop, and the total amount is SCR 125,000. Do you think standing in line at your bank and making a transfer to Seybrew is the way to go? What about the time spent waiting in line, and there will be plenty of us doing so with this new rule. Think of the wasted time, the poor bank tellers who will be overloaded with paperwork, think of all the mistakes with money sent to wrong accounts etc.

6. Now, what I would do is write 2 cheques to Seybrew, one for SR 100,000 and the other for SR 25,000. Transaction complete! And I will write 10 cheques of SR 100,000 if I have to pay One Million.

Thus, CBS has not thought this through and this is definitely not about fraud or tax evasion. This is another one of those hairbrain ideas that sprung to mind in the middle of the night and cannot be substantiated when argued against.

You are correct. They are shooting robins with cannonballs. But then, that is typical SPPF behaviour.

Patrick X said...

As said, I understand that they want to exert control over fraud, but yes indeed they are using canonballs when a small 'ros' would have been enough.

But of course people will find creative ways of going around this rule, like for instance some years back when they imposed a heavy duty on tyres, but less duty if it was a spare.So what did everyone do? Import tyres classified as spares.

The government tax office in a european country did a twist recently to avoid fraud and tax evasion. VAT is refundable there, so are expenses in connection with business(consumables, tools etc). They made a simple rule that said nobody would get a refund unless the bill was paid electronically(bank card or e-banking). This applied to invoices over approx. 100 GBP. This was to avoid forgery of bills and invoices which Polish expats were experts on. So in that sense it was a great idea and so far it has worked like a dream.

Now why can't Seychelels do the same? Simple: because e-banking is limited to checking your account only. We are also still in the stone age when it comes to payments which is often done in cash. I remember follwing a shiping agent to the port to take out a shipment that had arrived and not only did we have to stop at minimum 4 differnt places, but had to pay all the duty in cash. Now how ridiculous is that? We have several ATMs in >Voctoria, but so far I havn't seen many shops that give the possibility to pay with your bank card.

I think it's also in our culture to walk around with cash. I'm sure you all remember the Indian fellow who got attacked earlier this year at Foret Noire. How much cash was he carrying on him? I see several businessmen walking around with thick wallets full of cash.

Now all this cash floating about not only increases the risk for theft, but also makes it easier to launder money. I think it's about time we take a few steps forward and go electronic when it comes to payments. Ther are mobile paypoint that work on a GSM network so the technology is available and very efficient indeed. It's just a matter of using it.

For my part I do all my banking online and the last time I stepped inside a bank was 4 months ago. The time before that was around 10 years ago...! I never carry cash as I pay everything with my ATM card and transferrring between accounts is done from my PC. My business accounting and bills are taken of by my accountant who has been given the codes and electronic passes needed to get access to my account so I don't need to even bother getting involved there. All tarnsactions are 110% traceable so no need to worry about any illegal doings.

Now why can't we do the same? for one we can't because our financial Top Cats have been sleeping in class either due to incompetence or due to the fact that they delibrately want to slow the progress so they can keep tracebility low to their own personal advantage. I doubt that for instance Chang Leng was very interested in full transparency now was he? As to Laporte, well maybe he can open a 'laport' to a more banking system. Time will tell, but i have my doubts judging the level of intellect in his family. Just because the guys worked for the IMF doesn't make him exceptional, just politically correct for the job.

Now watch this space for insults from Tikolor & Co. :-D


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