Thursday, June 11, 2009

Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

 The COMESA Debrief & side meetings in Victoria Falls

With Danny having to push on more misery with the tax reforms and supplementary budget in the Assembly, the Seychelles President, in the company of his briefcase carrying Secretary of State (SOS JenPa) are off to Victoria Falls to rub shoulders with the true African brothers who are trying to usher in some new form of cooperation. It is an ideal opportunity to champion our cause as a small island state and to seek some funding for combating this scourge of piracy. Perhaps a ‘Guantanamo’ on one of the IDC islands where Glenny (or perhaps Mukesh – where is he?) can keep an eye on them.

Post room service breakfast debriefing session in a suite at the ‘Elephant Hills’ hotel

JenPa: Ngi-qonda ka-ncane nje isi-Ngisi! Welcome to Victoria Falls Sir! From the smallest capital of the world to the mightiest roaring thunder of the African Continent. This place is truly blessed like our little Seychelles I must say. It was no other than Livingstone who laid his claim to this land and inspired the world to discover. We have been invited for a helicopter ride over the falls before heading off for your ‘tete-a-tete’ with President Mugabe.  

Mr. President: Yebo JP! I am looking forward to give a nice bear hug to the man who was able to survive the complete collapse of his country and still enjoying life past his eighties. He was the Per Fondater’s best friend and will probably give me a goodbye gift to carry back home for the old man. Aahh, Zimbabwe! They used to have the best beef in Africa. And Bob Marley had a lot of hope when he sang his song on their independence (liberation) day back in 1980. You will recall that they had a white man like you called Ian Smith in charge during the days of Rhodesia. Today many say that Uncle Bob installed a black-on-black apartheid system. Similar to our ‘Ek nou, pa ek nou?’ system!

JenPa: Not to worry Sir. If it is too embarrassing to carry the gift, we can DHL it. It will get to State House before us as we need to catch up with all these side meetings. Let’s enlist the support of as many countries as possible as we suffer and sacrifice during these difficult times. Let’s maximise our time here. We have a packed agenda.

They head down to the lobby where a brand new black Mercedes Limo is waiting to whisk them to the nearest helipad for the hover above the Vic Falls and on to the Mugabe Presidential country home. With the Marley tune blaring… ‘Everyman got the right to decide his own destiny’…

A gleaming Augusta helicopter is waiting… Life vests on, headsets check - and up they go…

Mr. President: Oooh, what a great ride! Such spectacular scenery! Now I understand why it was named Victoria Falls…just like our little capital. We are truly blessed JP.

JenPa: Indeed Sir!  Viewing a country from the air is something. You feel sooo free as a bird. Don’t you get this great feeling every time you travel? Your mind seems more at peace and you do not have to deal with all this negativity that we are facing back home. It seems that we had too much of a twist of the tongue with this ‘Parti Lepep’. Now the people are turning against us.

Mr. President: It was the old man fondater who imposed this on us my boy. I wanted to see the Jj Spirit Foundation flourish into my own platform. The one I have always wanted to climb on to be my own man. But my people will judge me by all my ‘langazman’. I am here because I am concerned about our vulnerability as a small nation. Our IDC islands might be wiped out because of climate change. Pirates are infesting our waters and taking our kin hostage…

JenPa: OK Sir. Enjoy the ride and soak in the fabulous scenery… on the left side is the Zambian border…

The tour ends as the Augusta helicopter veers right at the edge of the Zambezi River into the grounds of the huge colonial style mansion with Comrade Mugabe waiting on the porch…

President Mugabe: Welcome to da land of the angels Comrade Misel. Good friend Albert has talked a lot about you. You have been his humble sidekick since’77. I wish I hed one like you. Then I wud not have had to deeeal with Morgan.

Mr. President: My Sincere thanks Great Leader. I salute your longevity and wisdom in leading this country to where it is today. May I introduce my SOS Monsieur Adam who will be taking notes during our amicable encounter. You are from the land of Livingstone and we are from the land of Adam & Eve… ha ha!

JenPa: On behalf of our revolution I would like to thank you for all your support throughout the years. We stand beside you in your moment of need. We are also bankrupt but at least we got billions of Zimbabwean dollars for our Euros. This is a good sign for recovery.

Mr. President: We are committed dear Comrade to partner with as many friends in this COMESA deal so that we can trade and help each other rebuild our economies. We have to help our brothers and sisters. We cannot keep giving business to these past colonial masters. It seems there is a change of heart with all the dictators gone. It’s time for us to share our wealth and resources.

President Mugabe: My Son! You neeeed to start wit a politikal reform. By re-baptising your party, you will not come out of dis mess. Look at me. I had Zanu, den we took over Zapu and den added PF to it – Zanu-PF – patriotik front indeed! Den came da war vets. You should not go dat route belieeeve me.  You cannot do it alone. Even ya old man has told you so. You need to reeeach out to your opposition Weevel like I have done with Morgan. I get him to sort out da mess and I live da presidential life.

Mr. President: Yebo Comrade! I infinitely appreciate your sound advice. We also have a little whitey Morgan too back home and he is the one handling the pirates’ dilemma, the pothole roads, the sewage, the broken buses etc... We have a few points of business on our agenda to consult your wisdom on and my main man will highlight those to you…

JenPa: Comrade Sir! I am honoured to table to you our objectives for this COMESA summit. Our motto for this year’s session is Come Over & Meet Every Seychellois Aspiration. We have been preaching about this immensely in all corners of the world, from Japan to Europe, to Pretoria and now in Vic Falls.

Mr. President: We are seeking partnerships all around, not only in the commerce sector. I am now a well versed diplomat and I believe we should take this opportunity to strengthen our diplomatic ties to have a unified strategy in regards the scourges affecting us. We are bankrupt and cannot be held at ransom by some dollar hungry Somalian pirates.

President Mugabe: Pirrracy has always been in our midst My Son! It is part of our nature. Look at Zim-bab-we. It has been pirated by da whites ever since I took over. But somehow without dem we have descended into hell. There are similar lessons back home I can see. You neeeed to extend da hand to your bitter enemy. We cannot keep beating them on da head into submission anymore, oderwise dey will be on BBC or CNN in der overturned cars. Invite dem into da fray. Take da weight off your shoulders and let some of the greens into your diet. It will do you a lot of good. No strrress, just living da cool presidential life while your enemy goes beegging in all corners of da world for more dollars to rebuild da country.

JenPa: Very well spoken Mr. Mugabe Sir! We can see that you fully support our cause. On behalf of the humble people of Seychelles, we thank you for your generous hospitality and the kind words of advice.

Mr. President: Comrade! (Gives Mugabe a big bear hug)! I will relay my sincere wishes of long life to our Founding Father and thank you on his behalf for this wonderful gift. Our best wishes to Grace.

The President and JenPA are ushered out of the villa into a waiting black limo that takes them to the cocktail party being held for all the delegates & dignitaries. He unwraps the brown paper around the box containing the old boss’s gift and takes a peek. It is an old blood stained machete which was a souvenir to Mugabe from one of the war veterans… This definitely needs to go via DHL!



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