Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

Capacity building & drastic measures

With the Seychelles economy bankrupt and complaints from every district, the spin doctors are wracking their brains to coin some new terminologies to baffle ‘Lepep’. Now that Danny is scoring some points on his ‘wannabe president scorecard’ and running away with ‘A new mindset’, James Michel has reinforced his communications team to brainstorm on his new vernacular. Hmmm, ‘capacity building’ will go down well in these desperate times and we need some ‘drastic measures’ to combat all the ‘fleo’ haunting us…

JenPa: A very good morning to you Sir! June is a pretty dry month. Not too much happening on the diplomatic front except for a few visiting warships. At least we have a few public holidays in order to reinforce your presence on the TV screen and in the print media.

Mr. President: A very happy birthday to you my dear son! One this June 12^th 2009. You are at the ripe young age of 32 with a bright future ahead of you. I was 34 when we took up arms. And today I am sixty four. Despite my age of retirement, I am still full of life and energy. I will retire at the age of 74 after seeing off another mandate. You will then be in your forties and ready to take over.

JenPa: Sir, I am terribly grateful. You are the best mentor I have ever had. But the statistics and data collected in the districts does not seem to illustrate that the future looks bright. There is a total breakdown in the law enforcement system and the thugs are taking over. I did hear a lot of gunshots when I was still in mama’s womb in 1977. I almost had a nightmare the other night when I heard those shots ring out again close to some of my folks’ house.

Mr. President: No need to miss out on your sleep over that one JP. There will never be another coup d’état in this country. We have made history. I had to live up to my word of taking drastic measures to curb this wave of crime in the country. So, short of calling a state of emergency, old boss ordered that we shoot to kill. These escapees are a real threat to our royal family and Princess Anonyme was harassed and almost attacked. She had to hand away her handbag and run for her life. This is what you get for messing with the monarchs. Let this be a lesson to everyone.

JenPa: Sir, I am happy to report that our capacity building is in full swing on all levels. Since you ordered the exercise to be carried out, we have reinforced in all sectors. We have obtained new slush funds to add to your defence budget. We all know that the ‘vann swet’ will keep the pirates at bay but Barry has put one past those silly E.U bureaucrats. Capacity building is also being carried out in the districts to empower the authorities to take a greater management responsibility role.

Mr. President: Indeed JP. I am sick and tired at having to entertain all these people in the districts when these guys are appointed to do a job. They need to work for ‘Lepep’ and be held accountable. We cannot allow all this dead wood to gather moss. Let them fend for themselves as we have no more money to give out. We need all the cash if we are to call a snap election and keep Danny at bay.

JenPa: OK Sir. But I am sure that we can extract a lot more money if we can live up to our promise of putting the Escobars behind bars. There is a mountain of slush funds out there that we can lay our hands on to fund any campaign. Plenty of car hires, boats and mansions like you said yourself.

Mr. President: I know JP. It’s been a while since I made this promise but like all my promises, they turn out to be false. I know it is a sign of weakness. But it feels so good to see people so relieved when you make them promises. The thing with the Escobars is that they are some of the pillars of our ‘Parti Lepep’ and to take them out means we all crumble under the rubble, plus do not forget the contribution they make with their millions for the beer and burger parties!

JenPa: Hmmm… a little bit a poetic justice I can sense here. Well, we’ll have to make do with all this newfound culture of vices. It has now become part and parcel of our people’s mentality. And we are the people. We are ‘Parti Lepep’. We are embracing all nationalities, backgrounds and customs. Unity in diversity! This is the new motto of our young dynamic team upholding your reign ‘Mr. Commander in Chief’ Sir.

Mr. President: I am delighted to note that we have a nice little addition to our media team. The little Serbian girl has the brains and the looks and I will melt in front of the camera when I get interviewed by her, just like our French friend Tretout with his big gut and tongue hanging out. But remember to remind me to dye my moustache before I go on air in a CNN World Report show. Need to look impeccable and young. Obama might be watching.

JenPa: Sir, talking of Obama…Tsvangirai managed to meet up with him and squeeze $75 million dollars for Mugabe. This is indeed a fabulous diplomatic coup for a bankrupt country that was enduring sanctions.

Mr. President: Yes. Bob told me that he was sent on a mission. I have been trying to get a meeting with Obama but he has been brushing me off. He is not even interested by an invitation to stay at the world’s top resort on North Island.

JenPa: Sir, I have a brilliant idea. Obama is looking for a place to unload those Guantanamo Bay prisoners. Why don’t we bring them to Seychelles in exchange for $800 million Dollars just like that Pacific island Palau did?

Mr. President: Oh JP, that would be great. But if we can’t even guard a few Seychellois prisoners at Montagne Posee, how are we to watch over those Al-Queda terrorists?

JenPa: That’s so true Sir. This prison affair is truly out of hand. But perhaps we can work the same trick as Mugabe. Let’s send Wavel and Obama might meet with him and give him a few millions to get us out of the mess. He seems to have a lot of sympathy with all those who have been beaten on the head.

Mr. President: Wavel is staying his ground JP and does not want to dialogue, so he is out of the question. You see, we could have sent Mancham but old boss vetoed my proposition to make him an ambassador at large instead of that chubby Indian billionaire. Now Mancham calls himself a world statesman and has released his latest book and claim to fame. Then there’s also small j-Belmont. He looks a bit like Tsvangirai Morgan don’t you think?

JenPa: Yes he actually does. Oh, perhaps you should try to talk to Christopher Gill and he might turn out to be our saviour and bring in the millions from the US. He knows how the movers and shakers operate in the land of the free as he attended University there.

Mr. President: No, he does not talk to me either. He only writes to me through this S*T*A*R* blog which is getting thousands more visitors than our own State House website.

JenPa: So why do you not reply to him then and send him the invite in writing?

Mr. President: I will delegate you to do this JP as you know I can’t write! You are the swimmer my boy. So even though it’s against the current you need to prove yourself. I am sure together with beautiful Srdjana you can knock up something powerful that will convince him. This is a good exercise in capacity building…

JenPa: Sir I ‘googled’ your name recently and came up with a website of your biography at S9.com biographical dictionary and it list you as being born in Fraserwood, Manitoba. I never knew that you had American roots. Herewith I bring you the listing:

http://www.s9.com/Biography/Michel-James

James Alix Michel

Born: 1944 AD
Currently alive, at 64 years of age.
Nationality: Seychellois
Categories: Head of State

1944 - Born on the 18th of August in Fraserwood, Manitoba.

1976 - He began as a teacher, but became involved in the archipelago's booming tourism industry and joined Mr. René's political party before independence.

1977-1993 - One-party socialist dictatorship, he held key ruling party and ministerial portfolios.

1996 - He had been vice-president to his predecessor, France-Albert René.

2006 - He won the presidential election of July, taking 53.7% of the vote.

Mr. President: I am flattered that they have already written about me. So I can already go down in history as having achieved great things. Perhaps I should contemplate an early retirement…Let’s go for a stroll in the gardens and chat with some of our Le Pep people tending the gardens and see if they have any new ideas on how to get some money from Obama…

The President and JenPA take a leisurely stroll towards the de Quincy tomb both in deep thoughts. There are too many scenarios to contemplate, now that the old boss has rebaptised the platform as ‘Parti Lepep’. It seems that all the skeletons are coming out of the closet and we need more spies on the streets to monitor the pulse…