Thursday, December 9, 2010

Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now!

("A political satire based on actual events as portrayed through the state controlled media")
Climate change & the 3 billion budget…

A turbo charged 4x4Vice President has taken the People House by storm to present a fully baked cake of 3 billion rupees for 2011. A cake so big that his team of fat cats are prepared to share ‘pou benefis tou Seselwa’. Meanwhile on the international front, Ronny Boy is telling all that can listen that we are disappearing from the face of this earth. We need all the grants and loan write-offs to keep afloat…

Lizzy: Hello sweet pea! Now that the royal euphoria has died down, Miss. Sarajevo is here to update you on all things press. She is being witch hunted by a ‘Ziz Soungoula’ and has been keeping a low profile.
President: Oh how sweet! Don’t let those evil forces drag you down my ‘lil angel. You are of the Chevening stock like JP. With all your ethics and politics, you are now my press chief. Don’t be intimidated by any monkey business…
Srdjie: A very good morning Sir. I have been in the bushes lately keeping up with your Facebook page. We are in sleep mode on our website to avoid any ‘Wikileaks’. I will need an iPad to be able to cope.
Bawi:  Oh well my dear, you can always work on a piece for CNN to whitewash things. You have singlehandedly attracted the Somali pirates in our midst with your piece about ‘the hidden treasures of the Indian Ocean’.
Srdjie: Ooh Bawi! This gives me a wet warm feeling. My reportage on CNN! But I have pugnacious Ronny on Skype who just won’t shut up. He is trying to make up for the fact that he advocated that we build more dams.
President: Damn! How could he have done that! We have no rain and the dams will stay empty. We have a solution for our water crisis. The good Sheik will be sending two Antonovs full of pure Arabica water daily from the oasis of Abu Dhabi and the water shortage will be a thing of the past. Bring on Ronny.
The Skype connection to NYC is live and the gregarious faced Ronny Boy pops onto the screen
Ronny Boy: Even when we're underwater, when the bubbles pop, you'll hear us yelling. If we don't solve climate change, nothing else matters, because many of us will be wiped off the face of the Earth.
President: Good job my boy. I can see you rushing from negotiating session to bilateral meeting and back again, past the manicured lawns, palm trees and turquoise pools.
Ronny Boy: Indeed Sir! I have plunged into the chaotic whirl of the scientists, activists, business executives and journalists at the conference. I'll talk to anyone. I don't care who they are as long as the word gets out.
Srdjie: Oh I understand the feeling! Negotiations can be demoralizing. You're talking to people who refuse to listen. But then your Facebook friends say, 'Way to go, Ronny. Give 'em hell!'
Ronny Boy: Indeed Sis! I hold forth at environmental seminars, sit for interviews with bloggers, update my Facebook page and chat with students. It's simple. As the poles melt, we drown. “1.5 to stay Alive” otherwise we disappear beneath the waves.
Bawi:  Drought has left us with a 20-day supply of drinking water. Desalination plants are running at full capacity, but that means burning expensive fossil fuels, which contributes to global warming. Wish you had built your Grand Anse dam before you escaped to New York.
Ronny Boy: Hey, this one's about Seychelles! Check out this photo (he flashes a picture of some guys with their heads buried in the sand like ostriches). And no, I am NOT one of those with their butts whistling in the wind! Hasta la vista Cancun! 
President: Good on you my boy! Everyone knows your dedication to conservation and the environment. And now they want Diego Garcia as a marine park without consulting the exiled people of the islands. Indeed they have no heart. God bless my boy. Keep our flag flying high! 
Srdjie: Thanks Ronster! Sir, the royal visit failed to make an impact in the UK. Despite an avalanche of press releases, we failed to make the headlines. The Princess herself refused to give a press conference to get us further mileage.
Bawi: Well we indulged in self gratifying publicity as it is important for the election campaign. You can always do a piece for CNN i-report.  JoMo had to interpret the feelings and translate the comments of the princess. She does not have a tongue and so we got him to read her mind.
Lizzy: Oh she is such a graceful creature. Love her dress sense with her ‘kanboul’ and gloves.
President: She wanted to do a walkabout in Victoria but we did not want her to bump into the commercial sex workers and drug addicts. I gave the First Lady her moment in the limelight so she could show off our little treasures. The Princess felt quite ill at ease at the cocktail. She had never seen such youthful exuberance at the helm of our national affairs.
Bawi: Well it is proof that your empowerment program has succeeded. Who needs experience when you can experiment?
President: Well the experiment has taken over three decades. In the meantime we’ve had the collapse of the economy but we have rebounded again. The sacrifices have paid off! The cake is baked and we are now ready to dish out some moist slices.
Lizzy: The baker is here to give you a rundown on the ingredients and recipe for this decadent, deliciously divine pastry. This cake is no lie! 
Danny Boy: Hello Bwana!  We have never baked such a masterpiece before. We will have enough crumbs ‘POU BENEFIS TOU SESELWA’.  I have switched on my turbo and your 4x4 stealth machine is in the off-road mode.
President: Ok my pecuniary guru! I can see that your Cubanomics is defying gravity. Give me a quick rundown on what you have concocted this time around…
Danny Boy: Well my good Sir! The 2011 budget is about ‘redistribye nou gato nasyonal’. And I will shout from the top of my lungs so that ‘lepep’ can benefit. With the progress in our economy, price stability and sustainable debt, we have a 9.4% surplus. We now need to protect the vulnerable, increase resources in social programs…
Bawi: OK bro! Enough of the political hogwash! We have a tight agenda. Give us the main pointers and you can go brainwash the dodos in the assembly later.
Danny Boy: Hey easy bro! You seem to have deserted your Cuban indoctrination since you are heading tourism! OK then, here’s my wish list:
  • Tourism will get 78 million
  • 1 billion surplus to share with ‘Lepep’
  • 2 generators for PUC from our good Sheik
  • 10% of our tax revenue to go back to welfare
  • Full on oil exploration (our future depends on it)
  • 20 million for small businesses
  • Tackle the ‘fleo sosyal’ as 40% of our prisoners are thieves
  • 1.3 billion on housing (thanks to our good Sheik)
  • Install internet ‘dan tou lakaz’
  • Build a solid social safety net
  • Assure ‘sekirite alimanter’
Oh well I will not bore you with all this mundane stuff. You can catch it all on TV where I will ram the message home over one and a half hours. Fodre tir lanpayaz dan ban pti biznes!
President: Good stuff! 2010 will go down as another milestone in my distinguished career. I have surrounded myself with such brainiacs that no one will be able to unseat this presidency. But we showed in the end that smart minds and determination were as equally important, if not more so, than an inflow of capital.
Danny Boy: Impressive indeed Bwana! As long as Ronny boy keeps harping on the message that we are hitting the seabed, our rubber duck will continue to bounce around on the high seas to reinvest in our people. The solutions rest with us!

The President is delighted to be riding the crest of this giant wave that formed in the eye of a storm. Miracles do happen and his transparent team is keeping it real. He is assured of another commanding mandate in 2011 in his capacity as the man of the people who bankrupted and salvaged the Seychelles in the same breath. It takes a lot of kudos!

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just like the picture shows, the Lepep party and followers have their heads buried in the sand.

Ronny Jumeau is a pure disgrace to our country and believes that his rants and raves about Seychelles sinking is going to win him a fake Nobel Peace Prize a la Rolph Payet! Ronny, the only thing sinking is James Michel's popularity!

Joel Morgan' interview on TV5 was another disgrace as well and showed that even when he tries to support this failure of a Government, he puts up a shallow fight. Especially when he was facing real reporters, and not the likes of "bon question" Onezime or Jacqueline Moustache Belle who has fled the Artsy scene. Maybe the gay Ronny will return to Seychelles to take up the slack.

As for Michel, the man has to go down as the biggest idiot politician who has ever lived. Even Idi Amin was smarter than Michel. Speech after speech, the latest at the Central Bank annual conference, proved once again that the man should stay away from his teleprompter and half-baked speech about transparency and other stupid remarks and plagiarised quotations. "There are no risks without rewards" the Idiot President said, and "we knew the risk we were taking"! What risks were you taking you fool, given that Rene and you had already bankrupted our country while you had already stashed your millions into overseas bank accounts?

Michel, listen up. You can no longer fool the people of Seychelles, especially the young educated ones. No more indoctrination a la NYS my boy, as internet and cable-TV a la biggest thief Mukesh Valabhji have given our kids freedom to think for themselves. Something that you never dreamed off on June 5th with your AK47 you fool. For once in your life, why don't you take Albert's advice and retire and "les lepep travay" without your stupid, misaligned speeches that sounds like a schoolboy reading off a blackboard.

As for the State House comedy, it will continue to play out until the old SPUP/SPPF/Lepep followers are dead, until Albert has gone to his grave, or until a real opposition steps up to challenge this worsening, idiotic Government.

On a bright note, remember that both Rene and Michel are getting on in age. For once, I wish time would fly so that we could see the end of this terrible era in our history.

I ask all my Seychellois friends to pray for salvation and deliverance for our country this Christmas.

Enjoy your 3 billion rupee election budget gift you thieves.

Dalon Laverite

P.S. Just heard that another part of Ste. Anne Island has been sold off to the Arabs from Qatar. Francis Savy is laughing all the way to Nouvobanq once again. Maybe the Emir of Qatar can build an aircon stadium there for the 2022 world cup as by then, we will be all be wearing a keffiyeh on our heads, our women will be veiled and hairy down under, and there will be 12 mosques in Victoria. Vote pou Michel, vin Muslin e Arab a don nou larzan. Ale Sesel.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more with the above comment. Well said

La Comet Artwoks ©™ said...

I so love that statement "speeches that sounds like a schoolboy reading off a blackboard." I saw it live at Anse Royale University of Seychelles Inauguration, I thought I was miss judging the president. Now I know that I was right to feel that the way he was talking was odd. Dalon thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

I heard this joke in town on Monday:

Princess Anne turned to James Michel and said: "James, when did you graduate and from which University did you graduate from?"

Michel, very red in the face, quickly replied: "SPUP in 1977".

That says it all. Albert was the Chancellor and the 4 courses taught were:

MURDER 101

USE OF AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AGAINST YOUR OWN KIND 102

STEALING STATE ASSETS 103

BANKRUPTCY 104

Voila. A great African Degree in the making.

"Congratulation James, said the Princess. As Chancellor of the University of Seychelles, you can award yourself as many honorary degrees as you wish."

"Wonder if Khalifa will have the University Mace replaces since it has a coco de mer on it", the Princess Royal mused with a wry smile.

Anonymous said...

I heard this joke in town on Monday:

Princess Anne turned to James Michel and said: "James, when did you graduate and from which University did you graduate from?"

Michel, very red in the face, quickly replied: "SPUP in 1977".

That says it all. Albert was the Chancellor and the 4 courses taught were:

MURDER 101

USE OF AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AGAINST YOUR OWN KIND 102

STEALING STATE ASSETS 103

BANKRUPTCY 104

Voila. A great African Degree in the making.

"Congratulation James, said the Princess. As Chancellor of the University of Seychelles, you can award yourself as many honorary degrees as you wish."

"Wonder if Khalifa will have the University Mace replaces since it has a coco de mer on it", the Princess Royal mused with a wry smile.

Anonymous said...

Things must be really bad for Laurent Koudou Gbagbo when he is deserted by his own kind, Parti Lepep, as he tries to cling on to power having lost the elections.

James Michel has decided to follow the international community to ask Gbagbo to step down and allow the opposition winner to rule the Ivory Coast.

Apparently, James Michel rang Gbagbo to explain Parti Lepep's change of heart.

James Michel is finding integration into the civilised international community very painful, as he has to dump old like-minded friends along the way. He must think it was a lot easier when the world turned a blind eye to power grabs, on the basis of non-interference in a country's internal affairs.

In Seychelles, however, the army is put on standby on election night in case Parti Lepep wants to stay in power in the event of a defeat at the polls. Gbagbo is better off without these two-faced friends.

With opposition victories in the Ivory Coast and Guinea, Parti Lepep must be rather concerned at the international outrage at ruling parties that lose elections and do not step down peacefully.

Anonymous said...

I hope Michel/Pp would take note of what is hapening in Îvoiry Coast,namely that stealing,fixing frauding election will no longer be tolerated.Pp has almost a year time to change course and hope these donkeys ahve the guts to do so.
But the way,Michel is probably not sleeping well,as WIKILEAKS has as from yesterday started to post INFOS of corruption on corruption in AFRICA.

Jeanne DÂrc

Anonymous said...

Ronny Jumeau and his gang are surely the most stupid idiots of this government

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