Thursday, July 30, 2009

Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

"The Plot Thickens at Seychelles State House…." - By Seychelles Shakespeare

Secretary of State JenPa enters the Presidential Office for the morning briefing. The Arab Sheikh and family have finally left and the Seychelles Airport and the Barbaron ranch and villas have become very quiet. The South-East monsoon winds are blowing hard, and fish is rare at the Victoria market. The unusual heavy rains have saved Seychelles from another drought season, while King Prawn Mukesh desalination plants which cost Seychelles taxpayers millions of dollars have been shut down as they are too expensive to run and now sit idle collecting rust. La Gogue Dam built by Mancham from money he squeezed out of the British was at 16% capacity and the impending dry season of four months was projected to bring our economy and tourism industry to a dry, grinding halt.

JenPa: Good Morning Mr. President. Thank God for the rains and the Arab ruler who brought some dollars into our fragile, small-island economy.

President: Indeed JenPa. God must be shining his light on me. First rain and then a $30 million gift. Add the Jj Talent show and the wonderful women in my life, my fat overseas bank account, then add a new Chief Justice, and what more could a person ask for?

JenPa: Well Sir, maybe a new Police Force would be great as there is chaos with the brutal murder of one of our citizens and even more corruption in the force. The Irish are proving to be quite useless.

President: Ok JenPa, one thing at a time. God took six days to create the Earth and the Heavens, so let us not ask for too much now.

JenPa: Agreed Sir. But let me say Mr. President that it is a true honour serving you as your faithful Secretary of State as well as the Jj Spirit Team Leader.

President: Thank you JenPa. The JJ Spirit Talent Show did what we expected and I loved seeing you and Appoo on SBC-TV dancing and moving to the Reggae beat.

JenPa: (blushing and giving a shy look to the President)..Oh Sir, we were just shaking our little butts and showing off our own home-grown talent.

President: Too bad I can’t move like that anymore as arthritis has set it. I used to be a regular at Reef Hotel until our bomb blew it up. Then I could not show my face there anymore.

JenPa: I am sure Sir. I’ve seen a picture of you in your bell-bottoms and your Afro hairstyle back then. You were just like the Pti Men of today!

President: Indeed I was, and too bad Shillington did not put that in his modern history book.

JenPa: Maybe in the next edition Sir as I hear MacMillan is under pressure to stop the publication of this book. Too many lies Sir, just to please the old Master.

President: Ah history, my worse subject in school. Anyhow, let’s talk about now instead of the old days. Thank God it rained like cats and dogs as the talent show promised. Since the desalination plants are rusting and maintenance is too expensive, it was up to the JJ Spirit to bring the rains upon us. It is truly amazing what has happened. We are saved for another year. The tourists will not have to shower from a bucket and our little tresor children will not have to brush their teeth with muddy, salty water.

JenPa: Sir, the talent show brought out the very best red talent from our islands. Even our judges have talent you know Mr. President.

President: Yes, I know Miss Seychelles is quite talented and looks great in high heels. Liz is exceptionally talented and has managed to tattoo twin dolphins swimming on her back. Now that is talent JenPa. I wonder if there are any more tattoos down there (wink wink)….

JenPa: Yes indeed Spirit leader, these are all examples of amazing talent. But did you see my bossom swimming buddy Kenny Roberts? What a magnet of talent! He has made Seychelles proud in so many great moments when he beat the best of the Indian Ocean in swimming competitions. As a judge, he was superb Mr. President and carried the torch of talent forward in the talent show. As you know Sir, Kenny has done a superb job at SBC for you. He has towed the line and followed all the instructions I have given him. On the JJ Spirit team of opportunism, he has taken advantage of everything I have dished out to him and certainly proved himself.

President: What is your point JenPa? I am quite busy today as Liz has a few requests I must handle, and I also have to sign a form to export 2 giant tortoises I promised to the Chinese.

JenPa: (staring at Mr. President's empty desk in disbelief)…Well Sir, with the rains and the corresponding rise in tides, we will all be swimming to survive soon. As you know, many ministers cannot swim. They are quite heavy, lethargic and pretty much dead weight Sir. They are having trouble surviving the onslaught as we go into the abyss and deep down under, Mr. President. The district meetings are showing their poor performance.

President: Really?

JenPa: Sir, many ministers are complaining. Last week at the Maia Hotel Art Festival that was opened only to a few high-ranking Seychellois, I overheard Pillay-Piman whispering quietly to a certain big businessman that we are too corrupt. Belmont says he only learns of things in his Ministry when he is in the Council of Ministers meetings. Skinny Morgan still has not explained what happened to the $4.5 Million at Ile Perseverans. And Faure of course is masterminding your quick and premature retreat as he tries to fix the economy.

President: That is not good news JenPa.

JenPa: No Sir, absolutely not. My Manchester University Degree on the wall tells me that it time for you to move quickly to retire growing opposition in your rank and file, and to save the Jj Spirit Team of course. You need to promote new talent, Sir, just as you promised in the talent show. If you do, the youth will love you, and the old will respect you.

President: Smart boy you are JenPa. Now I know why I got rid of Orderly. Go on JenPa, speak quickly and tell me what you propose. I want to hear it before your two bald spots consume your whole head and the youth take you for an "oldie" cookie and you are consigned to the Jj Spirit “kazern”!

JenPa: Sir, don’t joke about my bald spots as I had more hair when I started working for you. It is pure pressure Sir. But given all these problems we face, I believe it would be a good strategy to bring in new blood. Time to retire the old horses to the pastures so to speak.

President: You think so JenPa?

JenPa: Absolutely Sir. I strongly recommend that you bring in new energetic swimmers like Kenny Roberts as a Minister. Sir, he has a degree from an American University, and that might help us with the new American lady Ambassador that has just been appointed by Obama. Liz can also take over at Culture and we can move Meriton to Finance. Retire Danny early to agriculture and tell him to sort out the mess Morgan has not been able to handle. Retire Morgan since he has no explanation as to what happened to the $4.5 Million at Ile Perseverans.

President: JenPa, you are a genius.

JenPa: Sir, I’m not done. Dugasse should go too as Seeva our Ambassador has been complaining about irregular financial activities, and of course there are several Russian and Arab investors who are after his head as well. Also with Mr. “Banbara Deal” Rondolph moving to Mombasa, that will leave us with only Rolph to deal with later. Sir, IMF will be so happy when you tell them that you are getting rid of some corrupt Government officials and our people will see a real President in action.

President: I hear you loud and clear JenPa. And what about Pillay?

JenPa: Well he has done enough and has amassed enough land to last him a lifetime, including that huge farm of his. You should replace him with Nitro-Nourrice, a real Yes-Man who will do whatever we say. Anyhow, he made a huge mess at SIBA, so we can be proud of him and promote him.

President: What about Miss Seychelles?

JenPa: Sir, just make her the reigning queen for a second year in a row!

President: Brilliant my boy. Go Manchester! That thing on the wall seems to work well. I think I need one.

JenPa: Sir, don’t worry. The University of Seychelles will open shortly, and the first degree will be bestowed upon you. Imagine getting a degree from a University that you founded. That’s another brilliant coup and you can finally add a degree to your CV. That will put you in the ranks of Mancham and Rene with their law degrees.

President: Ah JenPa, I have always dreamed of wearing that cap and gown and holding that degree in my hand. Lepep will soon see what a smart man I have become.

JenPa exits the President’s office, leaving the “savant” in a daydream of universities and future diplomas. With a smirk on his face, JenPa is feeling overjoyed by his ultimate plot to place his own friends in the highest offices in the land and displace these shameful SPPF Old Guard. “Once and for all” he mutters to himself, “ I can rid myself of the embarrassment of being a Coup D’Etat poster child and put the Adam family name right back where it belongs. Revenge is sweet”…

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