Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

Bridging the Divide

With the Per Fondater having his one hour airtime to try and portray his legacy and clean up his image, people are simply not buying into all the lies. Now at the head of a floundering Parti Lepep, the Seychelles President finds himself holed up in his State House surrounded by his faithful Secretary of State (SOS) JP, the comforting presence of the pretty Slavic Press Secretary and the phalanx of Honda Silver Wing waiting to whisk the president to the next appointment on the agenda. Oops, it’s the English River district meeting…better go discreet with a few tinted-screen Jeeps and some dark-sunglassed Rambos…

JenPa: Good morning Sir! Independence Day was a great success as you made the effort to finally come down and pay your respects on this auspicious day. The flag raising ceremony and the new rendition of the ‘Koste Seselwa’ was the highlight. It was great to see you mingling in the crowd with Wavel the Opposition Leader, Ton Jim and Marylou. It would seem that this occasion finally brought everyone together. Ton Jim was feeling joyous and was singing and dancing away in his fancy hat. Sir, that man seems to be sp happy all the time, as compared to the grim-looking Ton Albert.

Mr. President: Yes indeed JP, it was a great idea to have this ceremony. I am hoping that I can now be able to bridge this divide between our people. The old man should have done this a long time ago. But he has too big an ego and wants to be the only one in the limelight. There has been too much suffering and next year we cannot let Zonm Lib remind us of that. We will call the 18th Constitution Day and really celebrate the 29th June as the true birth of our nation.

JenPa: The timely arrival of the US warship was another boost as they helped us further celebrate the occasion with a cocktail on board. The Americans are the nation to emulate Mr. President. We are now calling upon them for many things and most of all the battle with the pirates, and maybe even a small navy base on one of Glenny’s IDC islands. In the early colonial days we had the corsairs and pirates like La Buse and Hodoul. Today we have one as a judge and our democracy seems to be flourishing. As great American folk singer Bob Dylan sang: “Oh the times they are a changing”…

Mr. President: Indeed they are JP. I am fortunate to start reviving this close cooperation with our American friends. I recall when I was leading the call of ‘Yankees Go Home’. We were making our rapprochement with our communist friends at that time. We were being blindly led towards a totalitarian regime by Albert, but I was so young and naïve back then JP, and I could not even think for myself. But today I can see where Mancham was coming from. He was after all our best foreign minister and I intend to emulate him.

JenPa: I agree Sir. He was bringing in the capital investment to develop our country. With the arrival of the airport, we were on our way. I gather that the country was flourishing by the time we took Independence and tourism was taking root with plenty of hotels which are still around today.

Mr. President: Yes, but our chief architect of our modern society wanted to see a redistribution of everything from land to businesses. He was against the Arabs at that time, especially Adnan Khashoggi. And today, we have Prince Talal and loads of other Sheiks and princes. Even his closest entourage like Francis, David and Glenny have their own little Kingdoms. Like Parti Lepep, some of them have been re-baptised our islands with new names like Zil Pasyon, Zilwa, Miska and God knows what. By the way JP, did you see the nice little program on the ‘Per Fondater’ recently?

JenPa: Yes, it seems that Onezime is not up to the task and they had to go dig up old Marie-Claire from La Misere as if she could see a bit clearer through this tainted legacy. Sir, these appearances by the old man is not helping our cause of bridging the divide. We do not have to resort to all of this controversial past, because digging up old dirt could bring us new troubles, especially those dead ghosts of opposition people who disappeared. Ton Albert even admitted that some people died by accident on the day of the Coup D’etat, which kills the old fact of the bloodless coup. So my advice to you Sir, although I know you played a big role in the revolution and you are still one of his favourite apostles, is to “de-koste” and pretend to be your own man, especially since the next election is just a couple of years away.

Mr. President: I had only thought of Mancham as the apostle of national reconciliation. Perhaps we should ask him to join our team of advisers. We now have a press secretary full time and we can do with a wise man. We need a sage JP, an old wizard who can bring back some of the magic to our country and cast a spell on our people to make them forget the real history of Seychelles. And I am sure that we can get Ton Jim to be that sage advisor, especially if we give him back the SMB supermarket building which we acquired from him. He can also take time in updating and correcting Danny’s commissioned book on the ‘Modern History of Seychelles’. By the time he gets to Chapter 4 on the coup d’etat, we will be in the next elections and we would have straightened out our economic mess.

JenPa: Sir, speaking of next elections, the Jeux Des Iles announcement by smooth-talking Minister Meriton last week was another coup de grace. Just imagine, our own Indian Ocean Olympics right here in Seychelles, and using the l’Ile Perseverance housing project as the village for the athletes. Boy, think of all the parties for the youth, and right after you can announce the 2011 election dates. The people will have forgotten all their troubles if we win a few gold medals, and we must give them all free burgers and keep the booze flowing all night long. SNP and DP will never know what hit them!

Mr. President: Ah, JP my son, you are catching on fast. And to think that Albert thought I was the slow one…

JenPa: Great visionary thinking Sir. Just simple, pure genius. Ton Albert claims to think ten years ahead but you seem to be a lot more forward thinking. With the Jj Spirit apparatus already in full gear, we can have the party renamed into “Parti Lazenes Lepep” – like it used to be done in the one party state days with the young pioneers, NYS etc...

Mr. President: You have to give it to him my son. Back then, he was such a convincing person, and he had real thick skin like an old Aldabra “torti”. But since he ate so many of them, now he looks like one…(chuckle..chuckle). Now in his old days, he is trying to absolve himself of the mess he created and all problems that I have inherited. But I agree with you. The key now is to dissociate and distance myself from him.

JenPa: We need to dissociate on one end and associate on the other. The heavy burden now has to be lifted from this people who are crying out for peace and unity. We need to be able to make peace with ourselves Sir. There is nothing wrong with repenting. This is what they did in South Africa when apartheid was dismantled. Even Mugabe has agreed to cohabitate with Tsvangirai. We need to move ahead in the same spirit with a new mindset.

Mr. President: I will have to convince all the others who are trying to take a more communist approach to be united. I am for a free market capitalist system and this is what is best for Seychelles. As long as we do not have to make our assets the dirty linen of the century we are safe. I don’t know about you, but I am enjoying the trappings of the position that Mancham and Albert have been fighting for all their lives.

JenPa: Sir we have taken the capitalist road indeed! We have sold off what Ton Albert has nationalised but we still cannot make up the money for the $800 million we have in debt. The old man is still living in his dreams. We now have to pick up the pieces while he shows off his gentle side. People are now asking to see more of this telenovella. They want to see the 10 acres. You remember the ‘Rann sa dis’ and the ‘Ti-Frans, ti-frans ou mem sours tou nou soufans’ days when he professed that he had ‘tres peu de sous’?

Mr. President: Yeah that was stupid Ogilvy who dared to parade a cow in Victoria, and he had forgotten what we had done for him over the years. Today he is back in our camp begging and I think I will give him the prisons to look after. He has some good tactics at handling ruffians, and wife Maryse can help us pull in a few more votes out of the health departments.

JenPa: Sir we should not go that route again. Remember when we had his old army sidekick Bonte running Long Island? Do you remember the weekly escapades? I suggest a more credible alternative Sir. Maybe we need to seek the help of our Irish friends once again.

Mr. President: JP, to be honest, I’m starting to have enough of this Irish connection. This was Orderly’s idea so that he could get his regular supply of his favourite Irish whiskey. Look at the Police Department. These Irish have done absolutely nothing, even with their fat salaries. I think we have to strengthen our ties with the Yankees. If we play our cards right, perhaps Obama will get our defaulted bonds and all the money we owe Lehman Brothers written off. Or maybe he can give us a few millions like he gave Tsvangirai a few weeks back.

JenPa: Sir, as per my assessment, the Lehman’s fiasco rests squarely with Chang Leng and our people are asking for you to prosecute or at least get him to give the money back. Now that the sausage has burst, we have to face the consequences. IMF is tightening the screws and soon they will be enquiring about the missing millions. They are starting to open up the books and some of those white elephants are in for a slaughter.

Mr. President: We are in the stage of the elimination process JP. I have already briefed the sweet little press secretary on this. The old man is going so we allow him time to fire his parting shot. We need to look ahead from now one. No more lonely Misel as he wants me to be. I need to surround myself with a buffer zone. This is why I am facing the people in all the districts with my whole team.

JenPa: Indeed Sir. I never realized how terrible our Government services were until I heard all these people complaining in every district we have visited. The civil service is a total disaster Sir. The people are right in demanding that things are put back on track. There has been a laisser-faire attitude for far too long, while the bid chiefs were filling their pockets and building houses and flats and flying off to Dubai in first class.

Mr. President: I know JP, this cannot continue. This is why I am pushing forward the ‘leve Debrouye’ mindset. Our people need to work as we cannot afford to keep giving them handouts like the Per Fondater used to do. The people now want us to give some of the money back but the “kof” is empty.

JenPa: Yes Sir. I believe that the “kof” is now full of papers on the assets declaration. Perhaps we can ask Leka to open those envelopes that now sit in the Central Bank vaults.

Mr. President: Not a chance my son! We cannot let the people see the assets of our top civil servants as there would be a revolution if the truth came out. We now need to focus on getting our banks to start lending people money. Without money they cannot make things happen. We need to look into another trip to Doha or Abu Dhabi pretty soon. Now that the Plantation Club deal is done, we need to see some more commitment from the ‘shisha boys’.

JenPa: The place is apparently up and running as the biggest party hotel in the Indian Ocean. Gorgeous girls are flown in regularly and the entertainment seems to be hot. We really need to get invited to some of those wild orgies Sir. Some guys just seem to have all the fun.

As he contemplates another trip to his favourite part of the world, the President’s eyes light up with the thought of young nymphs from the far corners of Arabia... He needs to learn more about how they tap into this oil business…and yes. Soon, very soon, he will announce that we have discovered oil. Now that will unite our people for sure. The old dictator will be gone, and he will become the ruler for life of this little kingdom of sandy beaches…Sheikh James Alix bin Michel… ahhh, who needs “blue gold tuna” when we can have black gold oozing out of our oceans! Oh, those young gorgeous girls will be belly-dancing for me…


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