Sunday, April 12, 2009

State House Anytime Now - Seychelles Satire

State House Anytime Now - Seychelles Satire

We’re off to the land of the rising sun!

JenPA and the official delegation have bowed to the President’s wish and decided to proceed with the trip to Japan, despite concerns from the public for him to stay home to deal with the hostage crisis and the Somali pirates. He will try his luck with the Japanese and offer them some “blue gold sashimi” in exchange for some naval protection – great barter idea! But damn! When the tuna stocks migrate north, they effectively belong to the Somali pirates. He has delegated the puny “j” Joel to take centre stage in this debacle…

Briefing in First Class on an Emirates flight 35,000ft, somewhere over the Himalayas en route to Tokyo

JenPA (gently rubbing the President on his shoulder to rouse him from his slumber for his breakfast and the long overdue briefing): Good morning Mr. President. I checked the emails before boarding and all seems to be calm back home after these scary pirate incidents. They are now seeking ransom money which we can ill afford in these times of economic hardship. Ahead of us, we have a wonderful opportunity to raise our concerns on the international stage with the Japanese. I have a wonderful plan to have all this filtered back home via phone & video link or YouTube.

President (rubbing his puffy eyes with a hot towel handed over by this gorgeous Filipino flight attendant): How comfortable these flat bed seats are! Never thought one could sleep and dream so well in a metal tube high up in the sky! But I kept getting these occasional nightmares that the Somali pirates had taken my office back in Seychelles and made it their communications headquarters.

JenPA: Not to worry Sir. All’s under control back home. I have been communicating with Joel and he seems to be on top of the situation. He has declared war on the pirates and dispatched Andromache to burn some fuel for a day or two as well as Glenny’s IDC plane to supposedly follow the hijacked ship. SBC did some great coverage of his briefings in his situation room where everything is being monitored. TV footage of some men in camouflage gear toting big guns was also on show and it seems that the population is reassured.

President: Excellent news JP. But I am still doubtful if we can match the firepower of these pirates. We have not used these guns for a long time and they might not fire. We may endanger more live than we can save. This is why I am appealing to all nations concerned to land a hand. Sinon on est foutu mon ami!

JenPA: Sir, allow me to brief you on our itinerary for Japan. We will hold meetings with Taro Aso – the Prime Minister - to follow up on your request to seek aid and grants to help us out of our black hole. But this might be futile as Japan is in its own economic mess and will be voting a massive $150billion bailout plan. We will surely offer some of our tuna in kind for assistance with the pirates’ situation. But the Japanese Navy has been disengaged from military action since World War Two…

President: These guys love their sashimi JP so we can offer some of our ‘lor ble’ in exchange for some Toyotas, Hondas, kimonos and perhaps even some kamikaze… Remember these suicide pilots in WW2?? I think they can do the trick on those ruthless and arrogant pirates! Oh by the way, I heard that they are quite advanced in robot technology. So perhaps they can spare me one to replace Orderly.

JenPA: Sir that’s a good idea! At least it will relieve Appoo and me from the water pouring and door opening duties.

President: I like your thinking man! These mundane tasks need to be delegated to robots. I need all the grey matter on deck to face all these crisis situations. Grey matter seems to be very scarce around me these days. All those that belonged to the SPPF have made off with the spoils and I am left to patch this old ship which the pirates are now attacking mercilessly.

JenPA: Mr. President, I trust that you like the words ‘summit meeting’ in the press release. This really elevates and gives much credibility to our visit. An audience with the Emperor is also a very exceptional moment which will go into the annals of your presidency along with the audience with the Pope.  Oh Sir, please don't forget to bow.

President: Indeed! I also hope that the social agenda has been well taken care of. I am not too fond of sushi but will indulge in anything as long as it is washed down by some Sake, hopefully in the company of some lovely Geishas.

JenPA: Sir, I have left this to the bon vivant Maurice himself. As our tourism man, he has loads of experience in this field. He has already worked his contacts and we are expecting some high class ladies to attend to the studs. I will take the chance to explore the colourful gay world of Tokyo in my quest for the best Sapporo, Kirin or Asahi beer bottles.

President: I would also love to experience the bullet train. If it is to my liking, then we can have one for our east coast mass transit project. I am not really a man of the seas as you know so I will prefer a diet of Kobe beef and ramen soups. My evenings can be dedicated to massages with some of those lovely Geishas. We have to pack a lot in JP as we cannot extend this trip over its official three days. I need to be back to show my people that I am by their side in these times of need.  But right now, I need another snooze on this plush mile high bed. How I wish I had Nathalie by my side…or even a white-faced Geisha….

Mr. Seychelles President dozes off on the last leg of the journey into Tokyo while JenPa catches up with his emails over a glass of cognac. He is in overdrive as he ponders on the various media and communications coups to report back home during this trip. Never mind the jet lag. He is taking this opportunity to search for Scarlett.

The other members of the Seychelles delegation are fast asleep, recharging those batteries before being submersed into this strange culture of gadgets, Hello Kitty, origami, Kagua masks, Tatami mats and Daruma Dolls… ooh so many presents to bring back home for all the girlfriends & ‘kwevers’!

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