Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

("A political satire based on actual events as portrayed through the state controlled media")

Plugging the holes & leaving no stones unturned
Ouch! The procrastination on the La Misere dirty water has now turned into the biggest telenovela. The standoff with the residents has forced the President into fast forward mode. He is determined to Sheik the bull by the horns and leave no stones unturned. Six months of inaction has now brought the stricken souls into the streets and he needs to go on the offensive to salvage whatever is left of his Mr. Nice Guy reputation...

BAWI: Good morning Bwana! Zafer i sal! Your trusted lieutenant in combat is here to strategise on the highly classified case of excrement pollution. Your new policy of unearthing every pebble to get to the bottom of the shit pit has ruffled a few feathers. JoMo has some focal news to diffuse the tension.

Mr. President: Hello my trusted second fiddle. We need to fire on all cylinders to resolve this crisis once and for all. I always thought that things would go away quietly but these residents have outsmarted us. We could not crack down on their protests so I diffused the tension by getting them to meet up on my turf. So JoMo, update me on the latest leaks please...

JoMo: Top of the morning my good Sir. Things are now under control ‘dan leo’. We have distributed more than 1,500 pacifiers and everyone is sucking on them for a few more weeks; it’s called buying time. Your timely late intervention in extra time was crucial.

Mr. President: Good stuff main man. I had to save the day as the Equator Institute is nowhere to be found. I gather that even ‘Per Fondater’ was honking and giving them the thumbs up at the protest. He must have had a flashback to the days of ‘Yankee Go Home’.
BAWI: Ha ha! Our African roots have sprouted again. We need to instruct the new CEO at SLA to send us a letter that ASCON does not exist. She has loads of experience in the health field and this should be a keyhole surgery operation for her.

JoMo: Indeed Sir. This is the crux of our strategy. We deport all the non-GOP laborers, seize all their equipment, sell it off to Trojan and pay each victim $ 100,000 and close the case. We can give them the same treatment like Mookhesh gave Global Vision when he orchestrated the ‘televizyon par grap’ for Little France.

Mr. President: Sounds like a good counter scheme. Set the wheels in motion. I want no stones unturned. This is now an affront to our pride and prejudice as Lizzy rightly says. You can see that I am fuming right?

BAWI: Of course Sir! There is no smoke without fire. You have been with the victims all along, but this has been more in private, in your prayers. Your walkabout and promise to treat the kids and give them a clinic will go down well. We need some divine intervention.

JoMo: Allah Akbar! I am still praying for the golden apples to fall from that ASCON tree. Negotiations are still ongoing but they are throwing back loads of one rupee coins at us. They now want to be compensated for having built that palace in the ‘cap ros’ that I declared as unbuildable for they have proven me wrong.

Mr. President: Precisely! It took a good six months to test my ignorance on this. I did tell you JoMo that the ridiculous sum being proposed would be shark bait. My inaction has now cost me the district. I hope the clinic can monitor the damage. Perhaps we can salvage the long-suffering via some intravenous solutions.

BAWI: Oh well! If no solution is found to this dilemma, then superman will have to cough up the $ 4.5 million that vanished like a mirage in the Dubai desert. JoMo you seem to be a genius at courting the swindlers from Arabia. We cannot get bro Dani B to bail you out anymore. We are running out of excuses.

JoMo: Well we did get Du Gas to morph the Castle beer consignment into toilet rolls right? My specialty is in multi-tasking. I do not fiddle around with magician tactics. I am more in the duplicity sphere. Promoting mendacious dogma and blowing the boss’ trumpet is what I do best.

BAWI: Oh well, there is still a lot of hot air in you. Even your water pipes and meters keep blowing that stuff. Sorry to cut you all short but the MOFA boss who doubles up as my shadow is here as the bearer of good news in this very morose abode. He is flying our kites loftily across the globe.

JenPa: Hello folks. ‘Sesel i annan talan’! The Jj Spirit is on the rise again. May the force be with you all! The youth recruitment drive is in full swing. We need to compensate for the dwindling numbers among the mature voters. There is an enormous mass of our SPUP and SPPF faithful who are disillusioned by all our mishaps and gone into apathy mode. But we intend to make up the numbers with the rising cohorts.

Mr. President: Ahh! At least we have our young diplo-king to cheer me up a bit. I was so delighted to note that we have come a long way from our early revolutionary days of young pioneers and youth league kids toting guns. We have now replaced the guns with guitars and microphones to let them sing their hearts out.

BAWI: Indeed Sir. MaryLou is fully active way past sunset in the northern district wooing them all. The brainwashing of first time voters à la Castro under the guidance of my Cubano bro is taking root. We are harnessing all the young talent. You are a model and visionary in all things youthful.

JoMo: OK boys. Need to attend to more pressing matters. There are too many unpatriotic traitors lurking around these days and I need to ensure that all the paper trails go up in smoke. Perseverance will rise up from the ashes as the Trojan has just landed and will complete the housing project in time for the elections.

JenPa: Great JoMo. You’re the man with the mojo! Not to forget the navy base and its chapel! We need to keep the momentum going. Our VP has done a fabulous job at redressing the economy. But you need to start applying yourself Bawi as tourism is in the doldrums. We have an increase in arrival numbers but falling far short in terms of revenue. The governor of our central bank is reporting colossal losses. A few million Euros vanished only in exchange flux.

Mr. President: Yes, I am concerned about our dwindling fortunes. It’s time to relook at how we can divert some of the funds we are getting for the other causes to sustain this industry. I want to ride high like your kites JP. Now let’s focus our attention to achieve these common goals. Some heads will have to roll as I cannot keep shielding little empires. We need to face the music.

BAWI: Well said Bwana! Your vision is to make Seychelles a leader in the world in areas where we excel. We can do it if we remain united and embrace patriotism. Together we will do it.
A leader indeed! We lead in the field of disaster management and deception. Holes seem to be endless. The more we plug the more they surface. It is more like our water pipes that keep bursting all over the place. In the state we are in, no wonder every Tom, Dick & Sheik has come to the rescue. It is shark feeding frenzy...