Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

A political satire based on actual events as portrayed through the state controlled media

Seeing Ghosts & Hitting the Panic Button

Phew! What a week. It seems like all hell is breaking loose. The fake show is turning awry and it appears that there are ghosts in the machine. The President has gone into mute mode and unleashed his head honcho JoMo to do the mopping up exercise. It is time to hit the panic button as the beans are spilled on the grandiose projects fast tracked out of the UAE. We are a nation at war and our sovereignty will not be compromised...

Lizzy: Hello my sweet pea! What’s with the panic state? You need a shot of testosterone to get you back in shape. I’ve never seen you in such a reverse mode. Did the pirate’s ghost visit you at Sans Souci last night? I did invoke the spirit but it was more to scare the living daylights out of the prima lady.

Mr. President: Oh my honey bee! I am glad to bathe in your ray of sunshine this morning. It’s been a rough night. I am going through some living hell at the private quarters. I wish I could spend all my time in the company of my adoring faithful like yourself and Bawi. At least I can earn some respect around here.

Lizzy: You have our steadfast dedication and we’ll be by your side come hell or high-water. We were there to lend you the moral support when you faced the PTA bankers. We were both radiant in the first row seats. I did look the part in my black & white outfit and hair tied in a bun, right? Bawi was proud as a peacock...

BAWI: Well, well! The feather is in the tail of the betrothed. You are surely looking the part my dear.

Mr. President: Oh don’t be too mischievous you two. You are getting too acquainted for my liking. Let’s be profound. Our country’s profile has had a major boost now that Dani B has taken over the reins of the PTA. Our economic woes are history. Plenty of loans will be forthcoming and the Paris Club will wipe out another chunk of our debts. We are off the hook guys!

Lizzy: OK let me make you some camomile tea to sooth those nerves...

Mr. President: Good! I hope you are keeping up with your e-learning for your degree sweetie. We will soon beef up this capacity building education system with a new bequest from the Sheik. This will revolutionise our schooling and kids will do their learning from home. No need for classrooms, equipment and the entire infrastructure that is draining our resources. This is the fulfilment of my dream. Virtual classrooms where we can all interact in cyberspace – this is what I call visionary Bawi.

BAWI: Indeed Bwana! We need more hands on deck to manage this high tech coastguard base with all its radar facilities mushrooming on our islands. Most of this new breed will be fully converted to Islam so that they can understand the codes used by Al Shabbab and Al Qaeda. I can picture you looking the part in your ‘jalaba’ welcoming the faithful at the mosque. I bet we will spot all the Escobars by then!

Mr. President: Well by the next elections we would have tackled this drug problem once and for all. I did mention that I would put a stop to these evil doers in my district meetings a few years ago. We now need to come clean. I dispatched a platoon to smoke them out of their holes in Praslin. I need to make up for lost ground.

BAWI: Mr. President, superman Jomo is here to update you on the latest offensive.

JoMo: Sabah el kheer! I have brushed up on a few proverbs too. And the best that suits the moment is “The wealth of a man is home and the poverty of a man at home is exile”. That about sums up our current predicament Sir. We are going for the jugular.

Mr. President: I can see that you are beating the war drums to scare away those ghouls who are trying to derail our camel bandwagon. If you are to hit then make it painful. We will deal a fatal blow to this irresponsible opposition once and for all.

JoMo: As long as I am responsible for law and order in this country, these guys will be taken to task. This is a matter of high treason, compromising our state security, putting the lives of our armed forces in grave danger. Sir, I’ve been having nightmares since this plan was published in Regar. Last night I could see those battle hardened Al Shabbab militants hovering over my house in their flying drones and skiffs with a plan of the base in hand. They are out to lynch us.

BAWI: Errr... all this for a piece of paper with some drawings? You can surely stretch this elastic imagination of yours to make a point JoMo. Sir but I recall that the opposition did bring a motion to have an expanded coastguard with a base on the outer island to deal with the threat of piracy sometime back. But we were more concerned with our own personal protection at that time and did not think of any terrorist threat.

JoMo: Not so fast Abullahi Bawi! On behalf of our President, I reassured our people that we are not being taken over by the UAE. We need to draw a line in the sand between politics and national security. I ordered our investigative unit to tear down the doors at Arpent Vert to apprehend the whistle blower. I can report that we caught three suspects red-handed with their home-made vuvuzelas.

BAWI: Wow. You move at lightning pace main man! You are surely ghosting them with one- two punches where it hurts...

Mr. President: Oh enough of those eerie thoughts. You both sound like zombie pumpkins. What is this? The phantom of the State House?

JoMo: Sire the spirits of ‘Yankee Go Home’ are back to haunt us. Isn’t it uncanny that the same spot is digging up all those skeletons who are now marching along Kennedy road? It was illegal but we allowed them to express their frustration. The delayed compensation is about to blow up in our faces. We should at least afford them some form of apology. I do not want to end up with feces on my head!

Mr. President: Alright JoMo son! Don’t hit the panic button just yet. I have mandated you to use all your spin to save the Sheik’s image. We will be facing mass protests. The people have now seen through our dress rehearsal. Everyone has now realized that we have sold off our little paradise. We need to consult the Middle East. Bawi, please place a call to his Highness. I need to update him on the latest developments.

Sheik Khalifa come on line with a firm ‘Aasalaamu Aleikum’

Mr. President: Wa-Aleikum Aassalaam your Highness. Things have degenerated a little bit over here. We will need a few more millions to pay off the forty thousand rebellions hotheads to keep our stranglehold on the throttle. Yes your Highness, the land has been allocated and your construction company can start building as soon as your palace is completed. No problem, we will ensure that a no fly zone is established in the La Misere and Barbarons area. We are in the process of demarcating a no-go zone of ten miles around the southern tip of Mahe to protect your yacht marina from prying eyes. Shukran your Highness. We welcome any gifts you feel will pacify the non-converted. Afwan. Salaam!

Bawi: Sir we are being drawn into a corner on the political front. Wavel is asking for an live, open debate for the next presidential elections. In the name of transparency and good governance, you need to lead the way. With all your Facebook followers, your Blackberry and your teleprompter, you will beat the living daylights out of them all. Soon you will have the power of Arabia to make the genies come out of the bottle...

Mr. President: Oh don’t start with your spooky stories again Bawi. We have already been invited to debate on STAR and I am not prepared to let our dirty linen be washed in public. This administration is too accident prone and we do not have enough medication to attend to all these wounds once they are opened. We will stick to our one track SBC channel. I cannot share the limelight with people who want to put me on the spot.

JoMo: Thank you for your time Sir. I have other urgent matters to attend to. Need to beef up the perimeter to my abode with some solid Gurkha cordons to ward off any potential threats.

BAWI: You are excused big man! We also have some more pressing matters. The D’Arros scandal is threatening to take down Sarko and we might end up in “queue de poisson”. Speaking of Sarko, JenPa reported that Pauline was humiliated when she visited the Vallee de Mai last week as her kids were forced to pay for their entry fee. She cried foul and shouted that they were all Seselwa Rasin and should be afforded better treatment. Oh well, enough to make the bottoms itch!

Mr. President: We are making some pre-emptive strikes on the resistance Bawi. I ordered for the editor of the weekly to spend a few hours in custody to cut him off from the foul water protesters. He managed to feel the pulse of our disgruntled law enforcement officers who are all frustrated with our circus. Now the cat is out of the bag, they will soon be ignoring my orders.

BAWI: OK Sir. Let me find a solution to all this frustration. I need some time to do some research on google earth. The campaign is fast approaching and you need to throw some dosh at my old district of Anse Royale. We are planning a family retake of the seat there and my cousin needs all the assistance to win it.

Mr. President: Good idea Bawi. The Sheik will soon disburse the funds for our re-election bid as we need to safeguard ‘tou nou bann aki’ and provide the protection to all our princes and Sheik who will ensure that we maintain total control over this little piece of paradise.

Hmm... This mission is far from over. But despite the brick walls crumbling around him, the President is determined to ride the storms. Predictions of a tsunami do not faze him either. As a pupil of Per Fondater, he has mustered all the bravado and valour to confront any battles they want to throw at him. Except perhaps a war of words via a live debate...