Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

A Shameful “Man of the People”!

The Seychelles President has decided to welcome the advice of his spin doctors and add a glorious chapter to his ‘legacy’. The constant blunders that he has stumbled upon risk tarnishing his image so he needs something substantial to hold in his hands for this ‘intellectual’ photo op. Ahh yes! He will finally have a book to his name. The speeches will do as a memoir will have too many painful episodes…

JenPA: Top of the morning boss! The most significant event of this year has been the successful launch of your book Sir. Orderly and I have been crafting these speeches and burning the midnight oil for exactly six years. I need a Veuve Clicquot magnum to celebrate this milestone. Orderly is already quenching his thirst on this old Irish whisky and we need to refresh his palate in Jj spirit style!

Mr. President: Ahh you boys are made of the rare stuff! It is in your DNA. I am so proud to have you on my dream team even though ‘old boss’ wanted him fired. He is still close at hand. This is how it’s done. In public we portray ourselves to be doing the right thing in order to placate the critics and in private we continue with the show. I did the same with Mookie and Sosis! Soon I will come up with a plan for David & Glenny. Air Seychelles and Farquhar is starting to be too much of a headache for me to bear…

JenPA: Oh, talking of Ton Albert, he was conspicuously absent at our book vernissage. The message coming from Anse Polite is that you jumped the gun as he was planning to release his memoire soon, whereby you play the significant role of second fiddle. He has reached the chapter where all the covert operations of bugging, torture, murders of Hassan Ali, Simon Desnousse, & Morgan, ‘konplo 412’ and assassination of Gerard etc... But he has drawn a blank! He needs you to refresh his fading memory.

Mr. President: No, I do not want to go that route. I am in a full swing image makeover to become the real Man of the People and I cannot be tainted by my past. My life history will start at the passing of the baton when I vouched to be my own man. I need to exorcise all these ghosts and throw away all those skeletons in my closet. Have you heard the famous Irish expression of ‘throwing away the baby with the bathwater’? This is my mission JP.

JenPA: Well and good Sir. We have done well with the 70 minute reportage on SBC TV and the colour centre spread in the Nation. Now you are in the same league as your good friend Mancham who has a ‘plume par excellence’! You have definitely ‘added a human touch to the country’s politics’. Even our rent-a-crowd spiced up with some old Irish has-been friends did their best yodelling. Who said that politics is cheap??

Mr. President: You are the best spin doctor that this country has ever known. Even better than your old mentor Orderly. You orchestrated this whole event to perfection. I will have to bestow a medal upon you or give you a much deserved raise. We are permanently on the campaign trail and I will consider giving you one of the brand new X5s gifted to us by His Highness. I did say judge me by my actions but since I have few actions to show other than shaking the hands of dignitaries and chasing away pirates, we better revert to the words. Action speaks louder than words but my teleprompter has made us overcome that.

JenPA: Indeed Sir. Success on all fronts but we have failed to convince Gaddafi about this pirates scourge upon us for him to wipe out the rest of our debts. He is convinced that the Somalis as freedom fighters defending the bread and butter of their children. I just love his exotic tents. We need to get one to pitch on the State House lawn to receive our dignitaries in style.

Mr. President: Yes, and we have made a wonderful coup at the SCCI with Ramadoss. I did throw a banana skin in the path of the old guard to divert attention and make this race look legitimate. But they did not realise that we would take it by storm. We now have our firm grip on everything to do with business in this country. It will make the IMF and all our bailout partners proud.

JenPA: Sir the book has now inspired most of our cabinet members and I have just received a list of the books that they would also like to have published to mark their own legacy. Here goes:

Joel - Imported chicken & the mysterious $ 4.5 million, Volume I “Memoirs - The War on the Somali Pirates" (targets international market) plus a book on the ‘secrets of Lapire making’!
Dugasse - "How to Turn Toilet paper into Castle Beer & sell the country on the cheap".
Mondon - "How to destroy the Tourism Industry through Labour Laws overnight"
Belmont - "Playing Mr. Nice Guy amongst baddies"
Danny - "Faking Bankruptcy" the mysterious disappearance of $ 2.5 billion and the S 800 million black hole.
Sham-Laye - "Crumbling Education System 101"- a Text Book Analysis
Meriton - "Stay Fit Without a Budget & pulling a fast one in the community"
Marie Pierre Lloyd - "Killing Them Softly to Reduce Hospital Budget”, a fictional tale.

Mr. President: Well they will have to wait for their turn as I do not like sharing centre stage with anyone. I have lived all my life under the shadow of FAR and now it is time to enjoy some delectable JAM! We need all the publicity stunts to boost my ego and prop up my deflated image. We do not seem to be able to shake off this curse of putting my feet in my mouth. On day it’s the left foot, one day it’s the right. Luckily we have some foreign friends such as the Irish and Dr. Fitz to sing my praises as I cannot count on the local contingent to do so.

JenPA: Ahh the Irish Sir. This has become another hot potato. We are now confronted with so many political footballs and the game is getting more complicated to play. The Jj Spirit foundation cannot cope with the influx of members who solely want to milk the loans and grants being offered. We are trying to enlist them to go on the campaign trail but to no avail. Some are even asking for a BMX X5 to do the job!

Mr. President: We have to look for the most opportune moment to call these elections JP. I wanted to do this in the wake of our Topaz victory over the pirates but we were still licking the wounds of the La Misere saga. By October time we should have more money pouring in and the IMF will hopefully give us a clean bill of health. By that time the Sheik issue will have died down and all compensation settled. I will then ride the wave to this landslide victory and finish my last mandate in style.

JenPA: Indeed Sir! Come to think of it, I wonder how we survive. But you have the best PR team in the history of this country and I take my inspiration from Queau de Quincy. His spirit guides me and talks to me…

Mr. President: Ok JP! Enough of your day dreaming! I need to get out of here for a longer break instead of these short one day trips. I had to see Colonel Gad for some inspiration just like I did with Comrade Raul last year. You have to renew the vows so to speak. As for the turnaround to Abu Dhabi, it is a family thing you see. Have to lend the moral support in order to keep the Dirhams pipeline flowing.

JenPA: Not to worry Sir! Shanghai is on the cards. The expo will be massive and we have to make our presence count. I have already ordered Onezime to have the travelling press team in place for this one. We will beam live from Asia! We will bring along lots of coco de mers to give away. The Chinese do not have a problem with their sexuality. Come to think of it, they love the butt side of Paradise!

Action speaks louder than words! It’s time to wake up from the slumber of the flowery language. Advisers run no risks. There are still a lot more questions than answers. But who cares? At least JenPA is somebody at this famous abode. All cats are grey in the dark. But when you are a fat cat you command fear and respect. This is what his beloved boss has taught him from the AK 47 101 lessons… S.O S!!