Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

State House Anytime Now (SHAN) - Grand Prix Dreaming in Abu Dhabi - very far away from Seychelles.

Mr. Seychelles President is in his office dreaming about the recent Formula One Grand Prix in Abu Dhabi. It was a great racing day, $55,000 per ticket, seated next to one of the most powerful men in the region and Ferrari race cars zooming through the complex. The smell of high octane fuel came back to his mind, and then his thoughts of the fantastic weekend in Abu Dhabi came to an abrupt end with a knock on the door….

Jenpa: “Good morning Mr. President. I hope that you are well rested after your Yas Marina Grand Prix vacation in Abu Dhabi”.

Mr. President: Yes JP, that was five-star treatment at its best and I am still dreaming about the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix.

JP, this was the Grand Prix of all Grand Prix! It was fantastic...scholastic.... incredible. I sat down next to the richest people in the world. We had cakes, pastries, dates, tea, caviar, champagne but no pork sausages. I felt like a success. Everyone wore Rolex Presidential or Diamond Rolexes under their sheets and gowns. I wore mine too and placed the Casio watch in my luggage for use when I got back home to visit some poor suffering Seychellois living off half the money he lived off last year, and paying twice the price for everything in the shops.

No one called me that naughty word “Communist”. No one called me a “Traitor” or an “Albert Rene lackey”. No one asked me if I had bankrupted my country. Most of them thought I was rich, free of baggage like them all. I told them I had an oil quadrant for sale. Impressive, indeed it was JP. One man walked up to me and asked me if I would finance a new Grand Prix racing team, since Honda and Toyota have pulled out. I was so shocked that I was in the middle of such a group that I did not know what to say.

Jenpa: Well, you could have said, “No, not today Speed Racer. My country is currently bankrupt and under pirate attack, but I can give you an option on an oil drilling quadrant in the deep ocean worth hundreds of million of dollars. What do you think?”

Mr. President: Yes I could also say, no, I only finance wind mills that are funded from your highnesses consolidated fund. Or I could say no, I am waiting for my meal ticket from IMF in order that I can keep on travelling. For you see, I cannot afford to be here, my people are broke, they are suffering, they use one tin can of tuna fish for a dinner of 6 people, and mix it up with a little papaya on the side that nature provides, and they use one match to light a wood fire as they cannot afford gas or electricity any more. Last year, I created a law to supplement their income and clean up the environment by actually making them collect pet plastic bottles. Now people fight for these bottles and rummage through rubbish bins in town to make ends meet.

I am here on invitation my friend, 5-star hotel and meals all paid for.

Jenpa: But Mr. President, that would be too honest.

Mr. President: Yes JP, I should have been honest with this man now that I think about it. But I am not sure if I have a conscience any more.

Jenpa: Why Mr. President, what did you really say to the man Sir?

Mr. President: Well, I did not want to embarrass myself JP. So I said “Yes, of course, I will buy a racing team”. I immediately thought about where I would get the money from. I turned to the other side and offered Curieuse Island to his Highness the Sheikh and he nodded his approval. I used the island next to Praslin to pay for my escapades and fantasy. It worked JP! I got millions of dollars in just a few seconds. And I asked that the racing car has Seychelles printed on its side.

Jenpa: Sir, you sold Curieuse? What about the Marine Park? What about the giant tortoises and the Coco-De-Mer trees? What about the Doctor’s House?

Mr. President: Ah JP, stop with the questions. After all, there are plenty of tortoises on Aldabra and I can always create another marine park. But I sure sold the island and the Sheik grabbed it quickly since there are very few islands left for us to sell. Just like I sold most of St. Anne to little Francis Savy for one rupee and the ex-Tracking Station La Misere property to the UAE ruler for another rupee. I make deals JP. I do not sit idle. At that moment, I felt rich, I felt like one of those big success stories that surrounded me at the Grand Prix. It was great. No more IMF, no more World Bank, no more Jean Francois Ferrari, no more Gill calling for Truth, Accountability, Reality, no Ramkalawan calling for change now; no Volcere calling my girlfriend and trying to steal my squeeze, no Mancham asking questions about the past, the future and what we still owe him, and will never finish paying, since we just want him and his family to suffer as long as they live.

I felt rich making that deal JP, and I wish the people could feel how I felt at that moment. I wish I had brought SBC and that Tou-Tou Onezime along this time. It would have been really something to share with all the people, especially the JJ Spirit Team.

Jenpa: Sir, but you sold another one of our islands? How could you?

Mr. President: JP, if you ask me that question again, I will make your cousin David Savy reroute to Bangkok again, and sell your little butt down at Pat Pong for a few Bhat. That will make me feel rich again, so don’t push me wonder-boy. Why don’t you go see the American drone maintenance crew and call SBC with you? Take some pictures, make it look like we are fighting piracy and everything is under control for the British press. You could ask him if we could paint the Seychelles flag and name on the drone. That would be publicity JP, and make me feel really rich beyond my wildest dreams!

Jenpa: Yes Sir, of course. (JP exits, depressed and dejected that he has lost another island and have to defend the sale in public and on Facebook… all the while he is trying to figure out where he left his Rayban sunglasses and his 4 inch concealed sole shoes…Oh God, just wait ‘til Regar and Weekly get hold of that story… I am going to be crucified! I need a vacation badly..).

Bye bye Curieuse Island