Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

HANDOUTS FROM THE CHINESE, LITTLE EMPIRES & THE REVOLUTION

The relentless begging continues as The President of Seychelles plays all his diplomatic cards to scrape a few bucks here and there under the banner of protecting our vulnerability from the pirates. After the Americans and the Arabs, he now woos the Chinese. More slush funds to wield the big stick on his people when we get closer to election time. Meanwhile, he has decided that there should never be any little empires in his government. James Napoleon Michel he is and will remain!

JenPa: Good Morning Sir! We have the top Chinese military officials visiting today and they have agreed to grant us close to one Million US Dollars. This is great as it will be added to the defence kitty and no one will complain. Such grants go a long way towards our own personal security as this is the time where we need it the most.

Mr. President: So the Opposition cannot accuse us of using the Seychelles Army budget as slush funds. We can use the money to reward the loyalty of those protecting us. Our security detail has more than doubled since I assumed the presidency and we need to pay for this – especially in these dire economic times. We do not want an army rebellion like we had in Madagascar on our hands. We will have a major problem if the people start taking to the streets. Right now, it seems that our strategy of hearing them out in the districts is working and we are giving them ample airtime on SBC. Even if it is a small group, it can influence the rest. And Onezime is now my man at SBC.

JenPa: Indeed Sir. We are pursuing a similar strategy as the Chinese. We encourage all foreigners to invest in Seychelles to bring in the wealth, distribute this among the preferred clan and hand out a few services and basic housing to the population. This is Capitalism a la Communist style. When we have a revolt on our hands we do not condone such attitudes and we keep everyone in line. They are really clever these Chinese. They give us 2 buildings for the pillars of our Constitution and provide the Executive with the stick to keep total control.

Mr. President: This is the strategy my boy. I learned this well from the old man from Barbarons. You let the country run into a bit of chaos, then you take a tough approach towards everything and you annihilate the opposition in the process. Everything is done for a reason. I am an old fox at this. While the drones and Atalanta forces watch over us and help us out of this IMF economic mess, we secure ourselves, I call early elections based on the premise that things are getting better and I’m in for my third term. Now that we have started cleaning up with the NDEA, things are getting a little clearer. Cannot catch the bigger fish yet as they are a vital part of our funding for all our election campaigns.

JenPa: Clever thinking boss! By this time, I will hopefully be able to take over old Pat’s seat and run a fine diplomatic institute that will make us proud. I will surely include you on some of the key trips of course. With the Jj Spirit foundation having taken root, I can ride on this tide to succeed you in this humble abode of the State House.

Mr. President: Yes, I had to retire some of these old dead heads and reshuffle some others. This is a great way to show that we are moving ahead and making progress even though it is the same old inefficient bunch that we are tossing around. It gives a semblance that we are working even though it is only marking time! We do not have any new people to appoint in these key positions. So the excuse is that in order to eliminate complacency and to stop them from building little empires, we shuffle them around. Incidentally, there are a few such as cowboy Maurice and Fat IDC Boy who will soon ride into the sunset. Or perhaps retirement will be the most appropriate word.

JenPa: It is a good idea Sir. But real little empires are still there for us all to see. Some of them like Mukesh have disappeared behind empires such as Intelvision and hotels, Ramadoss has got so much on his plate that he cannot chew anymore. Gros Sosis is nowhere to be found and left us with the massive hole that IMF is trying to fill. The list is endless. Too many emperors, too little subjects Sir! Or shall I say too many Chiefs and a lot of Indians!!

Mr. President: Yeah. And then there is the eternal problem of the infamous Savy brothers that will be with us until the old man goes to meet his Creator. Little Francis took a few years at STMA and came out with a massive empire that even I do not know where it starts and where it ends. Our own Air Force Captain David has made our national airline his own property and big boy Glenny is the main island man and thinks he owns our whole EEZ while he sells our islands and island villas to South Africans and Mauritians. I believe that he was the target of the Somali pirates. That would have warranted a big fat ransom indeed.

JenPa: We also need to start rotating the ministers around or bring in some fresh blood. Our people are tired of seeing the same old faces on their TV screen every night singing the same old tunes. Joel got himself entangled in the PUC saga and Danny tried his best to cover the holes that Joel made after the Perseverance fiasco. Blaming Barclays Bank Seychelles was not too clever. Do you think this reflects well on your administration Mr. President? These guys are a bunch of clowns when it comes to handling some simple explanations to the media. Even our little Serbian press secretary does a better job with her lovely accented Creole. Despite the fact that the new media commission is a load of baloney, she managed to sweeten it out. I’ve told her to continue wearing those low-cut dresses when she’s on TV as our people will not focus on what she is saying.

Mr. President: Smart boy JP. She is definitely a good asset for us and we should use her a lot more. From now on, she will be doing all the press interviews that I do not feel comfortable about. It is a good cover. I can take on all the stuff that brings me the credit so that I can get my ratings up. Incidentally, we now have a much tighter grip on the media situation. No more of this Face a Face Jacqueline comedy which was threatening to let the cat amongst the pigeons. Onezime has been the key element in our strategy at SBC and he has been duly rewarded. He will keep the lid tightly shut and will continue to ask only questions that make us look good.

JenPa: I fully support the view that young people have to be given the chance to shine. This is what the Jj Spirit mantle is all about. As long as the old heads are around, we will not make much headway. Remember that this regime has been around for far too long Sir. There are some long serving members who need to shed their dead weight. Politics is about new ideas, new visions. I am grateful that you have recognised this and have made a case for empowerment.

Mr. President: I love this word “empowerment”. It shows that we are becoming more democratic doesn’t it? How do you empower people? Well you give them power right? If you give them power they might topple you one day. So the empowerment has to come from within. We provide our people with the resources for them to empower themselves.

JenPa: Indeed Sir. This empowerment comes at the right time. We will soon have our own university and our people will be able to grab these opportunities to follow your vision for a better tomorrow. By the time you are ready to hand over the reins of power, you will be respected as the man who empowered the Seychellois people after so many years of absolute power and control.

Mr. President: Now don’t you try to get too funny JP. We did this coup d’etat for a cause. Look at where we are today. Back then, we did not want Mancham to be laying the foundations of what this modern Seychelles is today. He was going all out to broker deals with the rich and famous but today, I can go down in history as the one who accomplished this dream.

JenPa exits the President’s office and shakes his head as he realises that all this has come a little too little too late! The Seychelles Empire has been divided and shared amongst the emperors, princes, maharajahs and princesses, and now whatever is left is being auctioned off to the Sheiks and other fat cats who have finally woken up and found their own little piece of Paradise. The poor Seychellois who believed in the famous struggle and “la revolution” will now have to contend with a mean little job at the beck and call of an emperor...