Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

Cementing our African roots

The swearing in of the new South African President Jacob Zuma was an occasion not to be missed. The Seychelles President James Michel wanted to make his presence count at this lavish ceremony so that he could get an opportunity to escape the bashing he is getting in his district meetings and get to rub shoulders with dignitaries from his African roots. He will use the occasion to beg for a few pennies here and there and get the whole continent on board in the hunt for the pirates...

JenPa: Sir the agenda is all set for the inauguration of our friend Zuma but we have been given a back row seat. We have to play out our influence more and try to shake as many hands as possible – forget the swine flu virus for now. It seems that all the kingpin African leaders are around. Gadaffi is also present in his full military regalia. He looks pretty goofy - more like Michael Jackson as the King of Pop! I also note Mugabe and Tsvangirai are part of the feast.

Mr. President: We have to try and meet up with poor old Tsvangirai so that we can get some ideas from him on how to better cajole Wavel into some form of dialogue. We will not get anywhere by talking amongst ourselves. Marylou is already getting on my nerves and I can’t stand her monotonous voice! The pressure is on for us to form a government of national reconstruction. I have to figure something out JP as we are losing support fast. He can surely give us some ideas on how he has engaged with Mugabe. And he has befriended Wavel during the times he was being roughed up. June will soon be upon us and we will open this coup d’état wound all over again.

JenPa: Perhaps we should take a leaf out of Zuma’s book. He has appointed a cabinet that seems to go down well with everyone. He has a team of old friends and foes with a renewed spirit of working together. He is a Zulu man and we need to delve into the Zulu tradition to hopefully find some inspiration. I love this rainbow nation. I am a white Zulu at heart. Just like Johnny Clegg!

Mr. President: Great idea JP. I also find it amazing how he can have three wives at the same time. We need to find ways to incorporate some of these traditions into our laws so that I do not have to sneak around with the girlfriends. This results in cat fights which we cannot afford as it will tarnish my reputation even further. I want to be able to legitimately choose which ones to accompany me on which occasions.

JenPa: You don’t need to worry too much on that front Sir. The little lady at Anse Boileau who strutted her stuff at the last Miss. Seychelles beauty pageant is pretty switched on and does not allow herself to be bullied by Natti. Her little mansion is coming along nicely and she is in seventh heaven. She does not want the limelight and is happy to play second or third fiddle.

Mr. President: Indeed, Natti is in a pretty precarious position. We should try and keep her at bay from State House affairs. She has been a bit depressed lately and luckily she can still maintain her retail therapy sprees overseas to keep her sanity. She loves playing First Lady for all the official functions and cocktails but refuses to take on any serious working role. She prefers to stay in the confines of the Sans Souci mansion with the bambino, despite me giving her the patronage for these charities and an office at Bel Eau. We are not sending a good message out there. Sarah is still more active despite being a retiree. I want her to emulate Michelle Obama but it seems that she is from another lower league.

JenPa: Sir I think we need to have you guys photographed together more often, perhaps more shots of you as the family man with her and the child. You are no longer the eligible bachelor you pretend to be! I do not want to engage in any ‘cancan’ but it has been reported that she has resigned to playing it cool and milk as much as she can. She has now imposed an agenda of shopping trips and will be doing so every three months. She will not let anything go to waste and ensure that her whole family benefits. Even the leftovers from functions and last year’s flowers from Hu Jintao’s visit ended up on Cat Cocos to Praslin. Be careful Sir. Remember what Geva did to Albert too as she knew too much. That is why the Savy boys are still running around like little Princes who own the Kingdom!

Mr. President: We need to keep her entertained JP. If this is her favourite hobby, she needs to be encouraged so that she is kept quiet. She was my first torrid lover after these so many years of sacrifice as a militant. I owe it to her. I cannot be faithful but at least some admiration. She gave me back this youthful vivacity, even if I have to pop a little blue pill here and there to keep her happy if you know what I mean. She understands that as the nation’s president, I have so many responsibilities, so many more families to attend to and the need to spread this vitality around... a bit like Zuma I must say.

JenPa: Zuma is the master! He beats Mugabe by far. We need to extend an invitation for him to visit Seychelles soon so that we can further strengthen our close ties with South Africa. I am sure he will be able to give you a few lessons in good governance. Next year it is World Cup fever there and perhaps we can escape for a few matches – remember that some of the girlies are football crazy and this will be a trip of a lifetime. We can park them around – one in Cape Town, one in Durban and one in Joburg!

Mr. President: Yes JP, I will invite him soon as my guest on Desroches once the presidential villa is completed. He will see for himself that the South Africans are very much at the centre of our development as Glenny has managed to broker good deals with them lately for Desroches, Farquhar, Poivre and Alphonse. As you know, Zuma is one of the main brokers of the deal with the Nigerian government so that we can get all this laundered money pumped into the Pinnacle Ile Aurore project to get it off the ground before the next elections. Now that he is in the driving seat, he can further activate things. He was the key man in brokering the arms deal with the French via Mauritius as you might recall.

JenPa: I had a word with his private secretary and he loves these kind of invitations. It will also allow him a perfect getaway for his escapades where his private jet can land there directly. At least he will be away from the prying eyes of the ever critical SA press. His love for the opposite sex is very well known especially with his famous rape and HIV cases. He did have a shower to clean up though!!

Mr. President: Ooh hee hee ha ha ha! I love your sense of humour JP. But there will be no need for showers on Desroches! He has the wide open ocean to wash everything off. Perhaps you can escort him as a swimming buddy! That will show him our true, great hospitality... We can also round up all these youngsters trying to make a living in Victoria to get the royal Zulu treatment of a lifetime. Maybe he’ll give them a gold bar each for their services and they will all retire. We will then rid ourselves of our prostitution problems...

JenPa: Sir, I have already thought of a solution for this issue. The buzz word to deal with these types of crises is quarantine! Now that we have all these vices infesting our country, we should use the same strategy they have been using with the swine flu virus. We should broker a deal with Glenny and get one island to use for quarantine purposes – the island of the vices. We can promote it like Jamaica with all its gambling, prostitution, weed, candy cane and orgies... An island for the high flyers, rich and famous and definitely an ideal haunt for our great Dr. Zuma... Surely...Seychelles...Another World!

Mr. President: Brilliant idea JP. I am amazed by your powers of creative and lateral thinking. You surely surpass Orderly by far in these spheres. Let’s enjoy this colourful investiture ceremony to take some ideas for my own renewed mandate come 2010. By that time we will be a dependency of South Africa and all their gold and uranium wealth will bail us out of our mountain of debt.Do remember that we also helped them with illegal imported oil in the days of Ricci and the embargo, so they owe us one.

The President makes himself comfortable in his chair to get a better view of the proceedings and eyeing some of the scantily dressed dancers about to engage in a trance Zulu dance performance. It reminds him of the SPPF ladies in their leggings back home. He will ensure that his next swearing in (if all goes according to plan) is also a grandiose affair with a huge popular turnout. Ah, if only I was younger and more virile...I'd show them, just like Boss used to do....