Seychelles Satire - State House Anytime Now

Seychelles Comedy at State House

Of high profile dialogues and district meetings…

As the economic situation worsens, the President’s last ditch effort to bring Ramkalawan to the slaughter house has failed. He now has to make do with Mrs. Pot-Her who has brought back a magic potion from the UK but there is no one to administer it to! Orderly and JenPa are now busy planning the populist district meetings. The high level talks have become a farce; as it is now no more than SPPF talking to itself… until they are ‘green in the face’! With another Afif in the picture (these Gollums are everywhere these days), it is more like sleepwalking around the Quéau de Quincy’s tomb…

JenPA & Orderly (in unison): Good morning to you Sir!

President: Good Morning boys! You can see the disappointment on my face can’t you? I am so saddened that Ramka turned down our offer to have a chat this time around. Now I am in the embarrassing situation of having to engage in a party monologue with Marie Lou - the boss’s spokesgirlie.  I really feel like a total IDIOT!

JenPA: Sir, we wanted this to be one-on-one and this is what we got. If we added another one in the mix it would have been two on one or one on two – ‘un vrai ménage a trois!’ Not a very pleasant threesome if you ask me!

Orderly: Sir, ‘once bitten, twice shy’! The last time around we stuffed words in the guy’s mouth to try and look good. But I can understand the man. When we were at Seychelles College he did not like taking things lying down. After all, he is a former Prefect, the Scott House Captain and a Squash Champion, so we have to be very careful of his moves. The man has a grip like the Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger.  He is out to tire you with his backhand! 

President: I was so looking forward to have him around so that we could at least figure out what he is thinking and hopefully try and come up with a strategy for 2011. But the man has decided to become a mystery and has already named his shadow cabinet which is giving me the goose bumps. At least we are trying to bridge the divide through our State House newsletter…

JenPA: Thank you Sir. It is indeed my brainchild but I am putting this down as a team effort.

President: My compliments for this great initiative boys! We need to communicate on all fronts. Now that Weekly is out of the picture, we need to step up our offensive. The only voice that is still against us is Regar and we need to make a move to annihilate them.  Maybe one or two lawsuits would do it. We still control the media and we must never let go.  Remember boys, the motto is SPPF Broadcasting Corporation.  SBC Radio, SBC TV, Nation newspaper and our own editor Sila who writes like you JenPa, and even Ramaduck and Percy Ahman with the Rising Sun is in our pocket. Gran Golan was right on this one. Control the media and you control the people’s brains.

JenPA: Sir we are progressing very well with the arrangements for the district meetings. But it seems that we will not have many sympathisers from the red camp this time round. They have all turned green with anger over the hardships and the proposal to invite the MNA’s along might backfire. Our own MNA’s are adopting a Pontius Pilate attitude. We expect to be bombarded from all sides as they wash their hands and give us the finger.

President: Come on boys, even I can figure that one out. Just start flashing out some five hundred rupee notes, and you will see them all line up. Also make sure the DA advertises free beer after the meeting. We will only give this out if the meeting turns out well.  Then put some of our own stooges in the crowd with a few pre-meditated questions.  That way, I can rehearse the answers ahead of time.  

Jenpa: Sir, brilliant ideas indeed and it worked in the last election.  You will look and sound as good as Obama with his teleprompter.  You could even let Robot VP Belmont answer a question every now and then. By the way Sir, he smells really good since he came back from the ITB show in Berlin; they gave him this new Seychelles perfume and he smells much better now. Even the State House ladies have noticed.  I think you should also get a few free bottles too.

Orderly: Sir, I agree on the perfume, and I hear they might come out with a Seychelles Whiskey soon. I can’t wait. But Sir, no need to worry. Bravery is a virtue that very few leaders possess. But I have to report that Afif (aka Gollum Numero One) at SBC is in the line of fire from the Koste Committee. Too many telenovelas to drown our people’s sorrows and not enough educational programs to lift us out of the moral decay they say. Even the Pti Men are starting to sing about these soap operas in their rap songs.

JenPA: I fully support this way forward Sir. SBC has a duty to improve our population’s knowledge about what’s going on in the country. The monthly ‘Rankont avek Prezidan’ is proof that we can educate the mass on the workings of State House. This is well backed up by our newsletter, despite our first issue dated January which covered the February State of the Nation speech but released in March. Sorry for putting the bull before the cart, but I have been very busy as you well know. The Jj foundation is taking up a lot of my time as it is not easy to convince these young people these days. Thank God for the money to give them cheap loans.  But I really don’t think Boss did a good job with this new bunch of kids. They seem to have their own brains and want to think for themselves. And the attitude! Quite shocking.

President: Ah my friends. Education! This is something that has always eluded me. I was on the way there when I was being taught French by the Irish sisters of Regina Mundi Convent through evening classes. If I had my say, the convent school and Seychelles College would have still been standing today and I would have been able to finish my O and A levels.  But Boss had other ideas. Shut them down he said, and let us start NYS so that we could indoctrinate them with communist ideology. I think this is backfiring now, as these kids today only think about money, Apple iPods, Nike and Coca Cola. I think they are all turning into greedy little “Capitaliste”.

Orderly (muttering under his breath): “Hmmm, just like Boss, Mooky, Dugasse, Changleng and the Savys…”

JenPA: Sir I would have loved going to Regina Mundi as well as I feel more at ease with girls. Hmmm, what a thought….

Orderly: Sir, I have so many fond memories of SeyCo.  I kissed my first girl there you know, and even Boss’ wife was hot back then in her skimpy tennis outfit.  Ah, but enough of the nostalgia and regrets! We really have to focus on the work at hand. I have just been briefed by Liz and Miss Kreol that everything is set for our first district meeting at Pointe Larue.

President: We will have to beef up our security detail as I have a feeling that there will be a lot of venom unleashed on me this time around. We also need to ensure that we bring along the whole team so that I am not the only one to be facing the barrage of questions. Not the best way to judge me by my actions. I read a passage in the bible recently and I am getting scared of this stoning thing. Even my Arab friends believe in this stoning stuff.  Real scary.

JenPA: Yes Sir! We will make sure we avoid those embarrassing questions like those posed by the Regar journalist after your ‘tete a tete’ with Marie-Lou. I must admit that some of the strong rhetoric like ‘kile’ will always come back to haunt us. Let’s blame it on VP if it comes up.

Orderly: Sir let’s hope that you do not get a rotten egg or a ‘lamok baka’ in the face, or even a shoe like George Bush. Remember that times are really tough, and “le pep” will want some real answers. Like brother Ja Bob would sing, “A hungry man is an angry man!”

President: Well I hope that you guys have taken care of all the protocol arrangements to ensure that I am properly guarded and safe. Do I really have to go through all this heat? I suppose it is self imposed as I mentioned it in my State of the Nation and now I cannot back down. I had thought about sending VP Belmont alone but I think that it is best to show that we are a big family and we are all in it together. I have also summoned all the ministers to take turns, and they are not happy.  But I am the Boss right?

Orderly: Sir, this will be the best litmus test for their performance. They will be judged by the people. It will make your task easier when it comes to firing a shot across their bow! ‘Lepep in note, lepep in koze!’

President: We will also test the resolve of the opposition and see how they react to the invitation in their respective district. Georges has already played the trumpet on the meeting in his district to tackle the druggies. We’ll see what the future holds. Ramka is still feeling aggrieved that we are snubbing him on the official party and events circuit. He wants to be like DP Jim.  You see guys, I cannot allow him to take the limelight. You saw how proud I was at the Sportman of the Year awards – I felt that “Lespoir”.  I think I deserved the cup for this ‘hop step and jump’ of my first years at the presidency.

Orderly: Sir, relax. JP and I are working on a mega event for next year and it will blow everyone away. It will blow the opposition and even the new DP wanna-be leader out of the water…

The team prepares to usher in the new COI Secretary General who will brief the President on the latest developments in Madagascar. This ‘prise de pouvoir’ amounts to a ‘coup d’etat’ and Mr. President intends to condemn this in no uncertain terms. “Boy, how times have changed…has it really been 32 years since I held that AK47 on June 5^th 1977... oh the power and the glory in my hands.  Damn, I miss the old days.”