Seychelles Satire - State House Anytime Now

Seychelles Satire - State House Anytime Now

Talk shops, pluralist Democracy, french descendants and everything in between…

2009 has started off with bad Omens for the President. His grand idea to get everybody on board to ‘Koste’ is slowly fading! His State of the Union invitation to engage the Opposition leader into a new round of dialogue has been turned down. The strategy of talking them to death has to be revised. His briefings from now on will be more pluralist and he will invite both Orderly and JenPA (the smallest “j” PS) to ensure that they have a more coordinated strategy from State House – only two more years to the next election and we need all the spin doctors on the same wavelength…

President: Good Morning Orderly! Good Morning JenPA! What a pleasure to see this tandem of brains this morning. I know that people are already labelling you guys as the Abbot & Costello or Laurel & Hardy team. But who cares? At least I have a think tank to see me through this presidency and beyond… So ‘Who’s on first?’

JenPA: Sir, I am delighted and honoured to form part of this most prestigious association of the land. I will make all my valuable contributions to ensure that we maintain you in power. As we discussed on our numerous trips last year, you are paving the way for a new generation of leaders. I have started this with the Jj Spirit Foundation and my popularity seems to be on the rise based on the friends that I am attracting on ‘Facebook’. My motto is peace & love and the creation of a ‘rainbow’ nation.  And Sir, do remember that the great Adam family is of French descendants, including Uncle Seypec and the ex-First Lady as you know..

Orderly: Sir, the Butlers are also a great, smart French family.  And I also welcome the idea of a joint briefing as I will now be more in the loop as to what you guys are up to with these overseas missions. JenPA’s networking with the youth seems to be working well, although a lot of those kids are only in it for the free booze, burgers and that generous Jj Foundation loan which they know they won’t have to pay back. But we should not deviate too much and need to have more ‘straight’ people as our followers, if you see what I mean.

President: Indeed Orderly! I do not want to be surrounded by too many of this new species! I gather that there is a very big community in our country (especially in the SPPF rank & file) and a lot still in the closet! But we need to focus. JenPA has a special charm and does a good job with the ladies close to State House. He lends a hand, sorts out the cat fights between the secretaries and the wives and is always there when one needs a shoulder to cry on! Now we need to focus on the agenda! The Opposition’s message is slowly getting through and people are slowly seeing through our lies.  I’m getting really worried for 2011. We need to engage in as much talk and dialogue as possible so that we do not allow the opposition one inch of airtime.  So give instructions immediately to that little SBC Afif, alias “Gollum2”.  We already have the original Gollum Afif working hard in the Ministry of Finance with Danny.   

Orderly: Will do it right away Sir, no need to worry. We need to be tentaculous… err… sorry tenacious (this Irish whiskey is a bit harsh on the thought process this morning). You have to forgive me but it is the biggest St. Patrick’s Day (week) ever! We now need some more excitement like Boss used to do during his reign. A shake up here and there is now long overdue…

JenPA: I fully support this way forward Sir. We need to show some decisive action from now on. There are some not so gay elements that need to be purged from the system.

President: Indeed I had the same dream! I will soon be retiring some ministers, especially those that are tainting our clean image. I do not want to be associated with the word fat cats. I would rather prefer the leaner, wiry types like my man Orderly or a nicely curved and sexy looking type like you JenPA. Nice tight pants too which shows off your butt… I like that!

Orderly: Sir we need to flex those muscles about from now on to intimidate those rogue elements such as Danny Boy who feels that he can take matters in his own hands since he is the boss’s blue eyed boy. I gather that your last meeting with him almost ended up in fist fights. Are you OK Sir? I can see that you are still a bit shaken from this incident.

President: Well he tried to vent off his aggression but you know that I am well protected with JAM (the Irish wolfhound) and my pumping iron, steroid eating bodyguards. Boss is now jealous that I have two blue eyed boys in you guys. We now need to put all this behind us and focus on our own political survival and our stay in State House beyond 2011. I am getting fed up of committees that get my head spinning. I now want one on ones with influential individuals and get my message directly to the people.

JenPA: Sir I have done some ground work and got some of the kids of Jj Spirit to conduct a survey and it seems that your popularity is at its lowest and there is no way out of this hole. The poll says you are even lower than George Bush before he left office. They want you to meet all the demands of the Opposition before you come to their districts to address them. We need to be careful as we are treading on dangerous territory right now. The mood of the people is one of bitterness since the IMF program is biting them in the butt! You might end up with a rotten egg or a cream pie on the face. This is the price one has to pay if you want to embrace a pluralist democracy.  Maybe kissing a few butts would help right now, if you know what I mean.

Orderly: Indeed Sir! Or you might have to duck a shoe or two like Bush! And our growing muslim community are not too tolerant at the moment.

President: Well you guys are moulding me more into an Obama right? I have one of the greatest speech writers in JenPA and everyone loves him for his impeccable manners on our overseas trips. He comes from a model family my man and he has a more sober demeanour. None on your vices of Irish whiskey or tobacco indulgence – he is a role model for our youth my man, ex-champion swimmer. And he is not scared and ill at ease when carry my briefcase around. Sometimes, it is just great to have an Adam by your side instead of a bitchy Eve!

Orderly: Yes Sir. You have some of the best brains around you. I am sure that Boss approves of this affiliation with ex-lady Geva nee Adam. Although I must stress again that us Butlers are quite smart too!

President: Well guys, let’s get to work! JenPA, please get a better assessment of the pulse on the ground as our MNA lackeys have done their usual suck-up job and defended my call for unity in these troubled times. So I am sure there is already a reversal in public opinion.

JenPA: Not to worry Sir. With your State House ‘spin doctors’ on the offensive, our planned district consultations and the various talk shops to open up the dialogue, we are on the right path of offering a more pluralist democracy to our people. Don’t worry if Ramka does not want to participate.  After all, his family originated from troubled Madagascar, unlike us brainy ones who came from France and Reunion.  After all, even the Michel name came from France.

President: It did?  Hmm, maybe I can get asylum in France like Baby Doc one day when all hell breaks loose!  Ah, a French chateau, le bon vins, foie gras, baguette, Carrefour, Paris, Champs Elysee…Mon Dieu, je suis Francais!  Vive la liberte, fraternite et egalite!

The briefing ends with Mr. President dreaming about a Napoleon outfit to replace his old Army suit… then making a mental note of the various conditions that the leader of the Opposition made to him as ultimatums to be met before engaging in real dialogue. He needs to find other ways around this as Boss will not allow any change in these areas. It will mean the end of the hegemony of SPPF in Seychelles… and we are too implicated like Mugabe to just let go…maybe it is time for me to stop being an Atheist and simply find Jesus and confess my sins and repent before it’s too late!