Seychelles Comedy - State House Anytime Now

Patrick X is in da house!

With the year end of ‘Koste’ well behind us, JenPa had a bit of breathing space to take in the pulse in cyberspace. He has to wrack his brain to deliver yet another State of the Nation speech for the President but the STAR blog (www.starseychelles.blogspot.com) is doing a lot of damage out there. So his mission is to try and counter this barrage of free speech that is threatening to bring down the short lived Michel legacy. Hmm... Let’s create a character that will throw them off the track. He has always hated the Pillay era at MOFA so his ‘exile’ to the UK can be a great springboard for Patrick X...

JenPa: Good morning Sir! There has been a lot of water under the bridge during the past year. 2009 will go down as a milestone year in this Presidency. We broke several records that painted a glorious picture of your achievements – several awards that has Ton Albert fuming as he could not even get one during his long 27 year reign. We have already surpassed the Platinum status of the Emirates frequent flyer program with the most miles and countries visited. We even made an effort to lend some support to David by flying Air Seychelles on our way to Cuba.

Mr. President: Indeed JP, I will soon do a trip to the Falklands and bring Onezime along so that he can do a report for SBC. I am a man of action and my people need to see me every night in their living room. This will also lend further support to David’s ventures into these islands. We also stand a chance to make some oil deals there. But I need to think about this one carefully as I might upset Hugo Chavez and next time you know he will order his air force to shoot down one of our planes making the trips there.

JenPa: Not to worry Sir. With good old Patrick gone, we can now get Barry to execute our own brand of diplomacy, no questions asked. He has not shown too much ambition like Danny and is content with the role as PS. Active diplomacy is the way to go. We entertain all these dignitaries and try to milk everything from their country.

Mr. President: I am confident that Pat will do a good job in London. He has always wanted to be the minister for tourism. Now he is heading a market that needs driving so his prime task is to get the numbers up. He also has his newly built mansion at Port Launay and I am sure he will be marketing it to all the top end rich guys to make some extra dough for his retirement.

JenPa: Sir, as per your instructions, I have started engaging these people on STAR and it is proving to be almost a full time job to keep up with them. Apart from Gill and his brother, the rest of the people contributing on this site are all “Anonymous”. I decided to adopt good old Pat’s namesake (as a tribute to our skirmishes at the MOFA) to take on those Gill boys and company.

Mr. President: We need to go more on the offensive JP. Public opinion is shifting every day. I have ordered The People to bash Wavel every week so that we can alienate him as a possible credible opposition. Despite all the good things we are trying to do for our people, sorting out the economic mess, calling on everyone to unite for the future etc... we are losing our popularity fast. STAR is single-handedly tarnishing my reputation as a credible leader. There are so many contributors on this blog that I cannot figure out how to cope with all this barrage of free speech. Perhaps you can have a chat with Srdjana as she has all this CNN experience. We need to free some additional cash to try and pay some people to contribute on the blog JP. Patrick X is sounding too monotonous and I want you to be awake in the morning.

JenPa: Sir, the corruption accusations have intensified lately. With the Sheik building his monstrous castle on top of La Misere and handing out a paltry $ 30 million for the Ile Perseverans Housing Estate and a platry Xray centre, it is obvious that some pockets are bulging. We need to find a way to appease this sentiment of ‘Seselwa Rasin’ that will soon turn into an active movement and spearhead another revolution like you guys did in 77. ‘Sesel pou Seselwa’ is their battle cry and this is resonating across our islands, especially when we see this water contamination fiasco and everything that is going on at La Misere shrouded in mystery. Can you believe that even Joel, who is always in the know, is clueless of what is really going on there? There is talk that he will soon be swallowing a lot of the ‘cap ros’ that you ordered him to sell for 1 rupee.

Mr. President: JP, I never realised that all these dealings with Sheik Kalifa will blow up in our faces. To add insult to injury, we are now being covered in faeces. I totally underestimated their good intentions. There is no doubt that Lepep is not buying the idea of an xray facility in exchange for all these privileges. We have been hoodwinked by the Arabs JP. Ton Albert was furious when he found out about the developments.

JenPa: Sir the repercussions are huge. Those huge cargo planes disgorging those huge containers are in full view of the public. The huge workforce smuggled into the country has now taken to shitting royally into our water catchment areas. Soon we will see the huge pylons for the cable car linking Barbarons to La Misere. This will surely deface our pristine landscape don’t you think?

Mr. President: Well JP, this is the price we have to pay for going green. If we do go ahead with our new projects to harness the wind, we will be erecting those huge windmills on our hills. When the pylons for the cable car come up, Lepep will already have an idea of what it will be like when we get our windmills. So I do not see really your point about defecating our landscape.

JenPa: Sir, I am sure that soon you will no longer have to report to Maison du Peuple on a Monday morning. Now you can catch a ride in the cable car to the La Misere palace to enjoy some Arabica coffee and dates after a well deserved weekend at your Petit Barbarons retreat. This is the life you have to start contemplating. In fact the view up top is amazing. You can survey the Sheik’s kingdom.

Mr. President: I never realised that he would be building such a huge palace to be honest. I thought he would go for something modest to integrate into our nature. But he has seen the monstrosity at Soleil D’Or and decided that he will not let a Ukrainian outdo him. I have tried to get Barry to play this out under a diplomatic shroud but the sheer size of the building is sticking out like a sore thumb. Apparently when it is finished it will be visible even from Praslin on a clear day.

JenPa: Indeed Sir, SCAA and the Ports Authority will not have to spend their budget on the extra navigational lights as the glittering palace will be enough to provide approach signals. This is a good compromise in exchange for forcing us to get rid of our lovely coco de mer  immigration stamps.

Mr. President: JP you are starting to adopt a sarcastic attitude. I think that you are getting too big for your boots young man! Have a bit of respect for the decisions that I am forced to take under pressure. You should be content with being my speech writer and managing the presidential affairs and agenda. I have given you so many hats to wear on different boards and elevated your status in society. That’s why you are so popular and have so many people who want to be your friend on Facebook. You have to be grateful to me.

JenPa: My apologies Sir. I know that you have been a beacon of light for me. I would not have been where I am just with the Adam name. I know that Ton Albert never wanted an Adam in State House. I know that the day you fade out of the picture, I will become a mere pixel trying to blend into the multicolour Seychelles landscape.

Mr. President: You have done some good things my boy. I always wanted to have a son by my side. The Jj Spirit is your brainchild and you seem so in touch with our youth. You are doing your best to convert the old NYS generation from Danny’s spell. We now need to focus on the enemy closer to home. We are succeeding in getting the opposition to remain divided and now we need to focus our attention on the internal power struggle. We have managed to keep the big boys in the army happy with all the construction projects they are busy with. They also need to look after themselves as otherwise they will not obey any orders...

JenPa: Sir we need to watch out. We do not want to emulate those African countries where the military calls the shots. Just look at what happened recently in Niger. We need to resolve our differences amicably. This new ‘Seselwa Rasin’ movement will start striking the right notes. There are a lot of ‘Fabrikes’ and Collaborators (like us) out there who have to answer questions. We have betrayed the original SPUP motto and it seems it is coming back to haunt us.

Mr. President: Not to worry JP. We will stand firm. I am confident that we will be able to weather all these storms. There is one common trait in the Seselwa mentality that I have learnt to exploit from Ton Albert. Give them what they want when it comes close to an election and you are guaranteed to remain in power. If you sense this power slipping, play the army card to scare the shit out of them. They will never change. Even if you give them all the various forums to express their democratic rights. We control the main message that needs to get to the people. Don’t forget that I am still the Minister for Information!

JenPa: OK Sir! You are the master of the game. I will continue with the blogging and keep diverting the attention of the Racinists. I just love these political chess games. My dad has really filled me in since a very young age and Patrick X will always outwit them!

JenPa begs his leave and proceeds to meet up with the Jj Spirit committee to map out the strategy for this new year of ‘together for the future’. Seychelles has got talent and the proof is in the pudding. We need to look for diversions to distract the youth’s attention from the multiple problems we are facing. The idea of sponsoring the premiere of a horror movie sounds brilliant. Oh well, need to focus on the State of the Nation speech – this one needs to be ‘shock & awe’.